X_Innocent_Uke_Heart_X
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Not a good friend
So it seems slowly and slow more and more people are telling me that I am not a good friend at all. Seems all they keep saying is I show no concern or care to the person but focus more on the rps that I do and want to have fun in those. Its not true, i do like rps but i know not to get to emotionally attached to them since people leave once they are bored of it or they say its my fault that the rp is not going any where. Yes its true I do not show a lot of emotion at times but that is because I have big issues with trusting people because of how much people have used me or even lied to me. I do not know what to do any more, I try to show people some care and seems to most that it is not enough that they want me to show it all and wear my heart on my sleeve. First my old co-worker calls me weird and makes me feel like a freak by telling me I have a disorder called aspergers that is why I do not trust and push people away. Second they are as well telling me that I have way to standards in a partner and that it will never ever come true. Third another old co-worker kept blaming me for things not going his way and saying its my fault I didn't go with him on a date or saying good bye to him when he left. Fourth I have another group of friends blaming me for everything that is going wrong in their lives and saying my wording is not good and that they don't like the new me at all. Fifth was trying to find happiness again with someone I used to love and we both agreed to try working at it again but it seems that I am the only one trying and he doesn't seem to care how I feel at all. Sixth people keep telling me to go and live more that I am way to much of a hermit and that I have no life if I haven't gotten drunk at all. Seventh people keep telling me I should keep putting make up on so it makes me more like a girl otherwise I will never get anyone to notice me or even want to be with. So it seems that everything I try to do to get better and start being confident in myself, someone or everybody seems to find one thing to bring me completely down to the point I that all i did goes for nothing. It seems that everyone just wants me to suffer and be down all the time and just have me sponge and absorb all their pain and anger so they can be happy and nothing more. Maybe I shouldn't have changed since it seems that everyone prefers the numb me more then the person that I have become now. I do not know what to do anymore right now I just feel like going and hurting myself and cry myself to sleep just to make myself feel better. I really hate myself even more and more now I just see myself as a plain, ugly, stupid, annoying, clingy, unlovable girl that will never ever see happiness ever.