this morning i was dreaming that i was hanging out with a friend and i played "INTO A FANTASY" on my phone while we were chilling and i woke up with it stuck in my head. i really am glad i found that song. it makes me feel good in a idk i guess hopeful kind of way that i might have that sort of friendship in the future someday.

think i'm on day 3 of no coffee. trying to rely solely on the caffeine in tea. been feeling like s**t for spoiling myself for no reason so i wanna see if i can earn my next drink with a little restraint. really does make me tired and uninspired (lol). that should be my new thing because where's the lie. i know once i let myself i'm going to want to go out and buy the biggest most highly caffeinated drink i can find but maybe by then my tolerance will be lower and i'll be able to get a similar to the same boost a large doubleshot on ice gave me from a medium mocha or latte? idk, cause idk how long i'm gonna last doing this. my only distraction from the craving is telling myself i can have it later and sleeping. sleep is the only foolproof method of resisting the temptation tbh so i've been trying to go to bed earlier. for that stretch in between though it's pretty hard

and if i can't find a meaningful enough time to reward myself after a while then there's no point in restraining myself for so long right? cause then i just won't ever feel like there's an opportune moment to get back on it. i don't want to quit it cold turkey but idk what i'm doing. i guess i really just want to neutralize my tolerance so it's not so high anymore. because that will also make it easier to drink more water and stay hydrated (once i start that journey, ho boy) since just staying generally healthy is such a chore for me.

i probably have too high of hopes for this little experiment but i guess i'm just gonna see how it goes. i don't want to make a specific goal right now because i'm still in the craving stages. i'll wait for that to die down before i trust myself to make it a set number of days. as long as i have some caffeine i should be ok.

should.