"on the bright side, I could always just kill myself."
that's my plan b for every hardship, every struggle I face it seems. I just do not want to deal with anything, and knowing that I do have a way out helps ease some of that constricting, trapped feeling that has become right at home.
but thinking about where I'm going to be in the next few years makes me want to blow my brains out. I guess I'm lucky I believe in hell as much as I don't want to.
funny how the prospect of hell even makes me want to off myself sometimes just because it's like, there is literally no escape from your problems and you're going to wind up in a lake of fire either way so why bother even moving from one spot?
it's ******** stupid.
just like school and how everyone acts like without college or a stint in the military you're a nobody and will have nothing to live for in 5+ years. I'm already pretty much there. The closer I get to the end of this semester, the more futile it all seems. I don't have the slightest idea of what I want to do with the rest of my life and I've come to college for all the wrong reasons. they always say "DON'T GO TO COLLEGE UNLESS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO" but on that same notes they're like "GO TO COLLEGE OR YOU WILL LITERALLY HATE YOURSELF."
so I'm in shitty community college getting a shitty remedial education, needing a shitty job because I'm running out of money, and wanting to blow my shitty brains out.
I'm already feeling the hopelessness and apathy creep in. There's no ******** way I can juggle school and a job and be able to actually enjoy myself somewhere in between. I know it's just a side effect of being spoiled as s**t in comparison to my sister whose worked her a** off and is actually going fantastical places, but adulthood makes me want to breakdown in a corner. Along with all of this shitty confidence I can't do anything to better myself and aAUGHH I JUST WANT TO BASH MY OWN ******** FACE IN.
I'm scared. I'll admit it. I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of dying alone having not accomplished anything. I'm scared of staying unhappy and unfulfilled. I'm scared of never growing up. I'm scared of staying like this forever. I want to work. I WANT to work. I know I need to and even if I had money, I'd want a job because it is somewhat fulfilling. Not so much when you know that's all the money you're making though and definitely not working at the front end in a grocery store.
I hate these nights where I'm just sitting here at 5:00 AM and all I can think about is how much I'd rather die than have to deal with literally any problem I have if I can't resolve it how and when I want to. They're pretty frequent nowadays. I haven't been twenty-one very long but I already feel like I'm getting too old to pursue happiness. I always feel like I'm out of time before I even start trying to do anything to fix myself. Then whatever effort I do put into fixing a problem feels worthless because I'm just going to die in my late thirties- poor, alone, and most likely homeless anyway. or even better, still in my grandmother's basement- having wasted my life away. I'm really too sensitive to live in this world. I'm afraid of everything and as much as I insist that I want to fix things, I do more hiding/avoiding than actually facing all of my fears and confronting s**t I hate with a cool, logical mind.
The thought of going to school and working and not being able to have any time and or money for myself anymore is one of the worst realities of adulthood I'm facing right now. I can continue my school and wanting to step out into speeding traffic because of homework. I can work and make myself some money to both save and occasionally spend, but I cannot do both. I NEED time to breathe and to assure myself that life is worth living every now and then. I know I'm ******** weak.
I always have been,This world is built for the strong and I obviously don't belong here.
Manage Your Items