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Niatsu's Journal
God's watching me with his blind eye
To write the words that need to be said; impossible. I don't think writing down a note will make me forget what's on my mind, what keeps me up at night, who keeps me up at night. Yet here I am, out of tradition, giving it another try.

Simply put, I have been in love with a person that no longer exists. Only a their shell remains and that shell has been deceiving me for far too long. Still the craving to hold and love that shell has persisted, to cherish it, the want to have it be the first sight in my mornings and the last one in my nights, the delusion to think that the shell might care about me back. It does not. It has been far too long, and I only owe an apology to myself, for reasons I understand, I was waiting for her to come around, for her to see and realize that my love for her was unwavering; hoping that it would have been enough to make her want to stay with me. Results are obvious.

How do you live past such big chuck of your life? Do I pretend it never mattered or happened? For quite some time I did not want to imagine where the two of us would not be together in the end game. Fool's aspiration and I've always been aware of it. What do I imagine now? Who do I imagine now? Though I have been charmed by few, I could not imagine a life with any of them. Frankly, there's still some refusal on my part, all while neglecting the amount of time it takes to get to those emotions. It is in my nature to crave to love, but by no means will I settle, so perhaps direct that towards friendships.

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