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Niatsu's Journal
God's watching me with his blind eye
Maybe in Time
When.. when will it stop. It doesn't feel like it will at times.. most of the time. My thoughts, for the past five years, have been consumed by longing to hold one specific person's hand. When there were other hands to hold, and hold them I did, the longing persisted. Not the hand I want to hold, but it will have to do, because the one I want to hold is not within the reach. How do I let go? I have failed thus far. There has not been a single person who I wished to hold more since her. Not an embrace where I didn't wish it was hers instead.
This is not working for me. I am tired of being tired, tired of being slave to my thoughts of her, it is not helping me in any way. I'm afraid I'll never stop loving her and it hurts. It hurts so much, it's killing me, literally killing me. I am afraid to stop loving her. Even in its misery, it inspires a warm fuzzy feeling in my chest cavity. And I am stubborn, I stick to my conviction... to a point of complete self-destruction, Healthy as ********, right? I let the love for her define me for half a decade, as well as the depression and self-imposed torture that tagged along for the ride, Who am I anymore without those things?
How dare you make my heart beat faster, make it impossible to breathe after kissing you and yet make all the others taste like ash. I want that back. Not that you don't deserve it, but to beat you with your own words: "You're just renting." and your lease is up. Give me back my heart, you did not renew your contract, leave. If you don't want to stay, don't linger. It ******** hurts. I lie to myself "maybe this time will be different", "maybe this is the final time and she will stay now", but I know it's not. I know better, but I don't head back in the opposite direction, because in the world of 7 billion people, I want one specific one. Apparently one I can't be with. I have attempted moving on, but it's hard when your body, mind and hearth work against you. My misery has become a shrine to my longing for her. I want to wake up one day and be able to let go, move on, delete everything and let memories be memories. Let go of this burden that has been keeping me in the abyss,

I have been staring at a phone number for almost a year now. Not hers, I don't know hers, but a number to reach out for help. I don't know why I'm not able to press dial. I'm afraid. Who will I become; how much of myself will I lose?

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