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Ayauran's Stuff
This is just basically anything random that i want to say.
Well I certainly have lots to keep me busy for the next little while. On my other account here on gaia "Atoli-Mule" I have some giveaways going, and On this account I am opening an art shop shortly!!!

Giveaways and Drawing to earn gold towards giveaways is lots of fun and keeps one distracted for goodness only knows how long.

On top of these however I have had lots of doctors appointments, which is because I am due to have a baby in late august, just a little over a month from now. Its both exciting and terrifying.

We only found out about 5-6 weeks ago that I was pregnant. and about 3 weeks ago we got an ultra-sound done to discover how far along I was, we were all a little surprised. We figured maybe 4-5 months along (which doesn't make sense when I add the numbers up, so I was happy to find out I was right) But I am actually about 7 Months along. almost 8 now. With a baby boy.

His name is going to be Alexander, and he will be called Xander or Alex for short. Currently his nickname is Sparky as he is very active, kicking and rolling a lot still. And I think it will stick as he seems to be like the energizer bunny. I was a big Ancient History Buff in high school, and I wanted my child to have a good strong name. Like Alexander the great. There were a lot of Strong names I could have chosen from. Expanding through the times of Ancient Rulers, and leaders, kinds, and presidents. But the name Alexander kind of stuck. It had been in my head for a few months, and I didn't know why until I found out I was having a baby boy.

Anyway, I got to go make a registry for a baby shower and such, and though not a lot of my offline world friends know yet...in fact, only 2 of them do. I am sure that when others find out, they will be just as excited and happy. Everyone keeps telling me I would make a great mom, and though I am terrified and unprepared, I want to try my best at giving him a chance in life.

I'm sure I will have many struggles along the way, but I have lots of help and plenty of escapes if I need them. I have a neighborhood full of wonderful people who would babysit for me so I could have some me time later on and still go to movies and such. Least that way if I get a little overwhelmed I can take a break.

I just hope things go well. I have heard a lot of different things lately. Including something called "the baby blues" Basically some new mothers become depressed after childbirth, and they can't even stand to look at or touch their child. I really don't want that to happen to me. I chose to keep the baby rather than put him up for adoption, because it made everyone else around me so happy. I'm still no where near ready for this, and I fear I never will be, so I'm really worried that I may not do well at all. But when I had first opted to put him up for adoption. my mom cried, and my family members were all upset/disappointed. So I thought about it a lot...even though I'm not ready, they all think it would be better if I tried anyway, because the baby is already bonded to the mother before its born.

So I am kind of stuck keeping something that I am no prepared for. Mostly just as a benefit to others rather than myself. I can be a selfish person yes, but by the time I hit fourth grade I had vowed I would never be the cause for tears in my family again, so I am going to raise the child myself, and put up with any consequences I have. Even if its too hard, even if I can't look at him without being upset. I have to do my best, and do what is right for everyone else. I just hope it will be enough.

Thankfully at least I don't have to worry about dating or anything. I'm still so heartbroken from my ex. I still love him very much, and now that his son is growing inside of me, I find myself thinking of him so very often. We broke up (If my math is right) about 1 week after I became pregnant. I haven't tried dating anyone since then, haven't even shown interest. I know he has probably already moved on, and that kills me because if it weren't for a few things on both sides, we would probably still be together.

We had been dating for nearly 3 years. And even though its been nearly 8 months since I last saw him, I still find myself looking for him some nights. Expecting him to be sleeping beside me, or maybe grabbing a snack in the kitchen. I miss him so much....I even started talking to him a little again even though we had both agreed not to. And he seems to be doing alright. He doesn't know about his child. I know he will find out eventually...and I will deal with that when we get there....but so much had happened between us, and I just can't bring myself to tell him.

....uh yeah, anyway I got way off topic somehow....Oh well...uh that's it I guess for now. C ya

Tank Glowing?!!! BUMP HERE !!!
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