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The Ramblings of a Lonely Crazy Person
Yeah... Still not much to say here. I'm not feeling much different than past weeks, and I'm getting really tired of posting about my non-existent life. Nothing to say, nothing to do, just nothing that isn't the same as every other day like it's been for years, upon years, upon years. It's like one of those movies where you live the same day over and over and it eventually turns into a nightmare. Sure, there are little differences here and there, but it is still the same thing as the day before. Being basically in solitary doesn't help. My room mate complaining that I didn't do x or y doesn't help. Telling myself that other people have it worse than me doesn't do a damn thing either. It makes me wish for a tornado or hurricane to destroy the building so I can finally escape. Sure, I'd probably have nothing afterwards, and if I stayed or left the pets behind there is a good chance one or all of them.us would die, but I'd finally be free from my prison. Probably wouldn't have anywhere to go either, but, again, all I can think about is the freedom it would bring. The only thing that makes me think it would be terrible is the high probability that others would suffer if such a storm took place. I don't want other people or animals to get hurt because I can't stand my current state of existence.

So, what to do? I can't burn the place down, or anything because that would just cause trouble for me and the room mate. I want to do something that maybe gets my mind off of what things are like right now and focus on something else, even if just for a little while each day. One site I visit is a blog of sorts about the Creatures series of video games. The writer chronicles the lives of little virtual creatures called norns, grendels, and sometimes ettins, and then posts the stories. She'll also do things like analysis of the creatures' virtual DNA and make mods for the games in the series, though mostly she works on stuff for just the first game. And, for some reason, I find that highly entertaining. I mostly like the story sections where she talks about the lives of the creatures, but once in a while I do enjoy the other parts. I thought I'd do something like that, but I don't really like to follow the creature's lives so closely. I like to leave them to run around and live their lives and I usually only check back once in a while to see if anything interesting happened. I thought about making up a fictional story to go with the things I see or do in the game(s), but I don't think I like that either. I like the story I came up with thus far for it, but I don't see there being anything I can do with it, so I haven't bothered to write any of it down. I thought of turning the story into one not associated with the games or writing one of the many other tales I have in my head, but I can't seem to find motivation to do those either. Writing about something I liked or hated has done wonders for me before, but I can't really find a thing I'd like to go over in that manner at the moment. Well, I can, but like the others I lack motivation. Just finding the motivation and energy to talk to people is hard. What's wrong with me? Why can't I be like other people who find that thing they're passionate about? You know, that thing that makes them wake up every morning, the thing that makes them work hard, that thing they really love. I've never felt that feeling about anything. I wish I could. Maybe I'd be a little happier if I did. At least, people who have said they found that thing their passionate about seem like their happy and say as much smilies/icon_neutral.gif

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