Captain's Log,
Today the helmsman told me that he saw a ghostly apparition floating off the starboard bow of the ship. It seemed to him to be an ill omen, but I choose to remain more optimistic about the situation. Rather than falling prey to the superstitious beliefs of ghosts and dopplegangers, I'm going to believe that the light the helmsman saw floating in the night sky and the voice he heard crying for help were good omens, and shall stay our course without fear.
Now where is Smitty? I sent him up two nights past to fetch me eggs from the seagull nest on the starboard mast...
~ Captain Ignatious Meatgrinder
- = -
I am a killer, and the person that wrote this, at least the person that you believe wrote it, was my first victim.
It was the perfect crime. There were no witnesses, there are no suspects, no evidence was left, and there is no one to investigate. One day he was here and the next day he was dead and buried, with no one to know and no one to care. I took his name and nothing else, leaving his life and everything about him at the bottom of that hole along with everything that defined him.
This life that you've seen, this person that you think you know, all of it is just an elaborate lie. All of it. A lie that is told so well that no one suspects anything, because there is no one to suspect, and if there is no witness than there is no crime. Even I, the one who committed that murder, knew nothing about it. It was just a vanishing act.
But this person that you all think I am isn't real anymore, the real Joshua Weber died a decade ago thousands of miles from here. I killed him, I took his name, and I built my own life around it.
I don't look anything like him. I don't act anything like him. I don't feel anything like him. And I don't remember him.
There is only one thing that we have in common, and that is the belief that the self is everything.
The belief that in this world or any other there is nothing that can be accomplished unless one is capable of accomplishing it. To achieve one must be powerful, competent, and willing to do what is necessary. We shared the belief that the only thing that can ever be perfect in the world is yourself.
So over time I killed him. Poisoned him slowly for weeks and watched him rot away from within until there was nothing alive left in him. I waited until the time was right, until everything was gone. His friends were gone, his family wasn't watching, and no one around him knew who he was at all. It was the perfect time to take control of his life and make it my own, and we both agreed that it was for the best.
I am not Joshua Weber.
I may use that name, but the person it belongs to has long since left. Cut out like a cancer that was ruining the perfection. I removed him. I removed everything about his life and made a new one of my own design. A perfect life. A perfect me. There is no room for imperfection, and bit by bit this life that I built began to shape itself into just what I wanted it to be: the perfect me.
Nothing perfect stays forever. Imperfections would come, and imperfections would go. I would remove them with my own hand. I would cut them out, sometimes taking everything they had touched with them just to make sure that the imperfection couldn't spread.
I will have the perfect life as the perfect me. I will have everything that I desire in the world, the only question is WHEN. And HOW. Not IF.
Some people say that compassion rules, and that you need other people. This does not apply. Perfection is one view. One will. The eye of the beholder, but only one beholder. One eye. To rule the world with an iron fist. To create perfection through force. Giving and merciless at the same time.
This is absolute control. Over oneself. Over the world.
Yesterday I was asked a question... "what happened". It was a question that wasn't answered, not because I chose not to, but because I could not answer it. Everything in the past, and everything that isn't perfect, it was all buried deep underground so that it would never see the light of day again. Even the memory of it had gone.
There are things in life that we choose not to remember. Sometimes painful things. Sometimes just things that make us doubt who we are. I remember that they pulled me out of school a few days per week for several months to attend therapy years ago. What I don't remember is why.
Today I answered that question... I dug up that hole, and found what had been buried. What I saw horrified me. It chilled me to the bone. It terrified and disgusted me at the same time... and I would cut it all away again in an instant if I were given that choice.
Because that dead person I left behind had started digging himself out, filled with all the cancerous filth that had been thrown into that hole.
How long until I kill him again? How much distance will I need to put between the two of us again to make sure he doesn't come back this time?
I'll get the knife. It's time to begin cutting away again. For the perfect me.
I don't want these memories.
I woke up today to find myself in the other place, with a trail of my footprints from where I ran away.
It seems everything I've heard just might be true, and you know me (well you think you do).
Sometimes, I have everything - Yet I wish I felt something
Do you know how far this has gone? Just how damaged have I become? When I think I can overcome...
It runs even deeper.
In in a dream I'm a different me. With a perfect you. We fit perfectly.
And for once in my life I feel complete - And I still want to ruin it.
Afraid to look. As clear as day. This plan has long been underway. I hear them call. I cannot stay. The voice inviting me away.
Do you know how far this has gone? Just how damaged have I become? When I think I can overcome...
It runs even deeper.
Everything that matters is gone. All the hands of hope have withdrawn. Could you try to help me hang on?
It runs...
I'm straight. I wont crack. On my way. And I cant turn back.
I'm okay. I'm on track. On my way. And I cant turn back.
I stayed. On this track. Gone too far. And I can't come back.
I stayed. On this track. Lost my way. Can't come back.
Song of the Day: Even Deeper
themightyjello · Tue Mar 06, 2007 @ 09:02pm · 0 Comments |