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God Dammit. I wrote a whole serious entry and my computer died. Maybe its an omen. But I'm not listening to it. I'm retyping the damn thing. ******** this.
Anyway, me and Hana went to Finding Neverland. Without Yoko, which is not abnormal, but we actually lIED to her this time. The movie was great, and I kept thinking about how Krissy and Darren were in Kennsington Garden together and...it was a great movie. But that is besides the point for this entry. Although I wish it were the point because I'm not very happy about what IS the point.
Anyway, of course, Yoko found out. So I called her, and explained it to her. But that's not the important part either. The important part is what I said after that, which doesn't really have anything to do with why I lied to her, but I told her because it was the TRUTH and I thought she should know the TRUTH. I talked about our friendship. I told her I never really thought I was close to her, I never really thought I was close to ANYONE, because I don't think anyone really knows me. But she always thought we were close. I always thought she only THOUGHT she cared about me, and maybe that is still true, but whether it is or not that is what she still thinks. And maybe what it means to be close to someone for me is different than what it means for her. I don't know. The truth is, she DOESN'T KNOW ME. And the person she tought she was so close to DOESN'T EXIST. But...it's my fault she thinks that person does exist. I never made an effort to tell her, because I dont think the person I really am could/should be close to her anyway. But she needed to know the thruth so I told her. Maybe she didn't need to know and I shouldn't have told her. BUT I DID.
And it feels strange for me, undoubtably for her too...because this is the first time in ages I told anyone outside of this journal how I REALLY feel. You people who read this(noone?) know me better than anyone I know in my life here, but you don't even know me. And of all the people to tell something TRUE to, she is the last person I would. And I know she doesn't really understamd, because she still thinks I am that person that doesn't exist. Because like that book said "If you think you already know who someone is you may never be able to see who they really are." I am content to just keep everything inside and deal with it on my own. To be the only one who understand myself(not that I do). But I had to tell her, because I thought I should be honest. I don't know if that was the right decision or not. It doesn't matter. I already did it.
I need to get away from this place. I don't want to run away, althought thats how it may seem to other people. I just want to run TO something. To something TRUE. Cause evetything I have here is a lie. And all the people here, in my life, are not people I really want to get to know anyway.
There is only one person here that I could really care about, and that is not "right" person. ( altohugh since when do I care who the "right" person is?)
Somebody say something. Somebody understand. But do it because you mean it, or don't bother with it at all. Because if I have to do everything on my own I will.
I WILL.
Now...I expressed myself a lot better in my orignal entry, but apparently God hates me(or just bad luck), and I had to rewrite it as best as I could. So...wonderful. Just when I pressed update jounral, my computer died...)
 AuroraPhoenix · Sun Feb 27, 2005 @ 05:52am · 0 Comments |
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