Well it's late at night and I sit here at my desk dodling away. I usually enjoy my doodles and attack them with vigor, but latley I've been feeling a great depression. My boyfriend as it seems doesn't have the time for me. He's far too busy to speak with me or do anything with me. I hope it doesn't make me a horrible person if I do not enjoy being neglected for a total of now, 7 days (an entire week). I've recieve news from a class mate that basicly said that he's overcome with his life at this moment and just doesn't get the chance to talk to me. I would love to believe that he doesn't have enough time to spend with me because he's so hardworking, but I doubt it somehow. We are in fact in a long distance reltionship and that really complicates things...but still...He finds the time to log on to gaia and yet doesn't have the time to send me a PM explaing to me himself why he's failed to make contact with me. Even that is out of the question.
For those who are not aware of my relationship with him, Jeff was a guy that i used to go with about a year ago. He was having some mental stuggles dealing with his/our sexuality and went into a suicidal stage. I may have been iced in the heart back then, but I basicly said that I cannot be with him if he's going to even consider such a weak feat of taking his own life. We both agreed that we needed to not talk to eachother. I just cannot stand a man that cannot accept his own sexuality.
Believe it or not, I've been in quite a few long distance relationships and almost all break off because the other party decides that they don't like boys as much as they thought they did or they get mad at me for not wanting to give them sexual pleasure until we're both of legal age (a good percent of them were close or over 18 and at the time I was about 13 going on 14 when Is started lookin' for men). It really makes me worried.
Aside from how harsh I may seem to most people, I've a very loving and caring person. I believe in total submission and devotion to the man that i'm with. I want to be only with him (no matter how far or how disconected) and I believe that it is my job to make him comfortable and secure in his role as a more dominat male in the relationship. I don't believe in cheating or being dishonest to the men that you're with. I believe that if you say you love them, then you mean it and that the word shouldn't be tossed around so easily. That's why it's so hard for me to not want to be with Jeff. I do truly have feeling for him but I don't feel like I'm getting the same from him.
I hate how guys always treat me like filth. I'm never ever the boyfriend. I'm always the bestfriend or the thing on the side that guys like to mess with when they aren't with a girl. It makes me so sad. I'm so sick of being neglected and being made to feel like I am not worthy of anyone's love. I'll always be the one that will try to please the man I'm with, but they will only stay with me long enough until that is done. I hate that.
Ive had this frustration inside me for a long time. I decided that it was only the best for me to tell my best friends about my sexuality and my relationship with Jeff. Now that he's not talking to me, I feel like a fool. It's not that I didn't want to tell them and that they don't accept me, it's that I told them about a wonderful guy that I was with and now that guy isn't even trying to talk to me anymore. He doesn't even care about me. I'm sure that when/if he ever talks to me again, he'll probolly appologize and I'll be all forgiving, but deep down inside, I KNOW that what he's saying isn't true to me. I don't feel that he cares about me at all. He's too preoccupied with his life now to care about me. Even a "hello" would suffice, but that of course is far too much for me to ask. I get so sick and tired of being neglected.
Let's face it, all guys want is sex and pleasure of the flesh. When they want sex, they'll warm up to you. When they need to be hugged, they'll rub up on you and hope that you notice. They're just not worried about your feelings at all. They just care about thier satisfaction. Well what about my satisfaction? I don't deserve to be loved and cared about. I'm not asking to be smotherd, but I would at least like to know that he cared. But you know, i guess that's evidence enough that he doesn't care about me.
God, I'm so depressed. I can't stand being ignored.
Days without speaking to my boyfriend: 7
 ++Amour-Fonce++ · Thu Nov 16, 2006 @ 09:10am · 2 Comments |
