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KILLER 7!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is where I write long lists of things that I hate. You are most welcome to write something as well. Let off some anger.
Keepin’ it Real in the Air


A couple of weeks ago I was on a plane to Vanuatu to visit a friend of mind. If you know me, you’ll know that I always have some idle thoughts when I have nothing to do and I’m all alone. Anyway, here goes.

Off we go, into the Wild Blue Yonder…

I think the safety instructions that airline flight attendants deliver before departure could be greatly improved if they were simply a bit more honest and complete. They should include graphic descriptions – accompanied by animated and live-action video – of the devastating physical damage done to the human body during a crash. They should cite examples of various anatomical mutilations. They should also include a detailed description of the damage done to the lungs and skin by fire and smoke inhalation, to demonstrate that surviving the impact of the crash alone is not always sufficient. People deserve the truth.
Then, how about a more relaxed, breezy pre-flight announcement made by a lazy young person: “Hi, listen, we’ll be leaving soon? Then we’re gonna fly a while and get there possibly his afternoon? Okay? Later on, we’ll chow down, have some brews and maybe catch a move? Okay? And hey, try not to ring your bell a lot and wake us up…unless something really scary is going on. Okay? Thanks. Oh, and by the way, the captain says do that thing with the belts.”

Leveling Off


A few things I imagined the flight-attendants to say…

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’re levelling off at our cruising altitude. That means the cockpit crew will soon be lighting up and enjoying a few hits of something really nice we picked up in Hawaii. After about six hits, they’re gonna turn off the autopilot, take their hands off the controls and let the plane do what it wants for a couple of minutes. The captain suggests you keep your seat belts fastened unless you have a strong appetite for blunt trauma.”

“The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt sign. He didn’t mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.”

“The captain has turned off the seat-belt sign. But he cautions you to stay alert, as sometimes these planes don’t work as well as we’d like them to.”

“The captain has just turned the seat-belt sign on again. Of course, he also just stuffed a pound of walnuts up his nose, one by one, so you can decide for yourselves what you want to do about the belts.”

Still Cruisin’ Along

What I’d imagine some pilots to say

A socially responsible pilot: “On your right, you will see Las Vegas, where millions of visitors are fleeced out of their hard-earned money each year by huge, impersonal hotels originally built by brutal, criminal syndicates and now owned by brutal, criminal corporations. These large, impersonal hotels have no concern for service or quality, but merely wish to generate more gambling activity, because the advantage is heavily weighed toward the house. Drugs and guns are available at all hours.”

A poetic pilot: “Off to your right, you’ll see the Colorado River as it snakes its way carefully through the ancient, multicoloured walls of the Grand Canyon, echoing mutely the dreams and disappointments of countless generations of red-skinned people who inhabited the Great Southwest.”

A political pilot: “Most of the farms you see used to belong to small farmers. But their land has been brutally repossessed by the greedy, grasping bankers, only to be brought up by huge agribusiness corporations who poison the land and produce tasteless food. These corporations receive billions of dollars a year from the taxpayers for no good reason except to enhance their wealth.”

An interesting pilot: “There’s the house where Ted Flammoth lived. If you look carefully, in his backyard you can see the top of the chute where he dropped the bodies of the twenty-six children he killed. Over on the right, we’ll soon be coming up to the gas station where John Zog picked up his twenty-third victim. Altogether, he is thought to have killed between thirty-six and fifty young men and women whom parted their hair in the middle.

A pilot with the blues
: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been feeling kind of depressed lately, and I think you’ll agree, we all share guilt for the world’s suffering and deteriorating condition. Sometimes I ask myself, ‘Is it all worthwhile?’ Quite often, I give up hope completely and try to think of interesting ways of killing myself that would get my name on television.” (Sounds of struggle heard in the cockpit)

Comin’ Down


And the final part of the trip…

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just begun our gradual descent into the Alice Springs area, a descent similar in many ways to the gradual slide of the Western World from a first class world leader to an aggressive, third-rate debtor group of overweight slobs, undereducated children and aimless elderly people. The current conditions in Alice Springs: Temperature thirty-five degrees, clear skies, winds from the northwest and intense Central boredom.”






User Comments: [3] [add]
Delicross
Community Member
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commentCommented on: Wed Jul 25, 2007 @ 11:18am
ALRIGHTY THEN! You got some cool views of a flight plan like thing. Thats cool man. Lol.


commentCommented on: Mon Jul 30, 2007 @ 10:57am
Well, Kayce, you should know this...but I'm screwed up!



The_Winter_Wolf
Community Member
Xx_Jinxxed_Forever_xX
Community Member
avatar
commentCommented on: Sat Sep 08, 2007 @ 03:43am
This is Awesomeness! You have a Funny Bone 4laugh 4laugh 4laugh 4laugh


User Comments: [3] [add]
 
 
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