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From Dusk 'till Dawn
Only a fool of the night would let himself fall to the hands of darkness so easily.
There are still moments I wish I could say "I'm sorry" [P1]
Searching through archives, comments, and forums from 2007-2010, goodness knows how cringy it all is. I laugh at it, sure...but when I read stuff from that time, I still feel pangs of regret. I am a firm believer in the quote: "everything happens for a reason."

After all, while staying with my abusive ex for 5-years was an obvious mistake, in a sense, had I not done that...I would have never gone to Germany, and, if I never went to Germany, I would have never met my wife.

But I still have moments where I wish I had done things "better". Or, I at least wish there was a way that I could say sorry to those who I hurt...and I wish I had a moment to explain. I just realized that Shinigami isn't the only person that blocked me on here, and then I was reminded that I broke other people's hearts too.

I did all the wrong things for what I thought were the right reasons. I was lost in a confusing world where I could not see the boundaries between what was truly online and what was reality. That doesn't mean I had an excuse...but I guess people understood. I think it still pisses me off that some people say they stayed with me because they were worried I would hurt myself? It's confusing because I never did anything like that...I never self-harmed. I may have been depressed but I would have never gone so far as to cut myself, kill myself, poison myself, or do anything else that people tried to pin on me. I was never that type of person.

...my obvious first mistake was pretending that I was a guy.
Back when I met Shinigami and back when I met Amai~ well, I was role-playing. I was a young woman that felt trapped because of my sexuality. I did not want to admit that I had always liked girls and I made a male avatar to help release some of my tension. I seriously thought that when I was talking to Shinigami that I was on my window for my female ALT...but as everyone already knows this wasn't the case.

My mindset for both women was that this was an online world. My gender did not mean anything. I never thought they would start having real feelings for me. I never suspected that I might start having real feelings for them. In the case with Shinigami...it was all a mess. When I found out she liked me, I figured it was no big deal. We were role-playing, and I never saw it going past that point. So, giving a fake identity at the time did not matter. But, then we started talking on the phone. I will admit, I panicked. She was so depressed over her family potentially breaking apart that I just wanted to support her. I know that telling her I was a lie would be too much...and so I thought that if I lied a little longer that I could help her. All I ever wanted to do was help her. But I dug my hole way too deep.

When she started to like me...I realized I liked her. But, I thought that if she dated someone else, we could stay friends and eventually go back to just talking online. But I got jealous. Every boy she talked to, every kiss she told me about. She later admitted to wanting to make me jealous because she wanted to be with me despite our distance. Things were getting serious. I knew I eventually had to either give up the ghost or leave her.
I tried...many things so that I would not have to reveal the truth to her and so that she could go on with a normal life with someone else. I tried doing a Gaia-Marriage so that she would be dating me "online" for fake. I thought this might make her happy...but that's when the messages from her friends started piling up in my inbox. They said she was hurting herself because she wanted to be with me. They said she wasn't eating because I would not date her. I was freaking out...and again, my options were to give up the ghost, or go out with her. And I decided to go out with her.

I guess at the time, my thought was: "Well, if I date her, then in a few months I can break up with her. She will never wanna talk to me again and she never has to know that I am a girl." Again, I know how messed up this sounds. But I thought that this was the easiest way for her...because goodness knows that none of the stress and the lies were easy on me. It haunted me all the time.

...the rest was basically history. We dated, it went fine, and then I couldn't leave her. It's not because she kept me from doing it...I kept myself from doing it. I became selfish. I loved the attention...I loved her. It was such a confusing point in my life. I always knew I liked girls, but in a back-water town where everyone is a homophobe...it gets really hard. At one point I thought I really might want to become a boy. I considered transitioning because then I could be "normal". I was depressed, I was being abused. Nothing in my life was easy. That doesn't give me an excuse (still), what I did was wrong...and it came back and bit me on the a** when she found out that my school was going to her home-state for a field trip.

That's when it happened- that was when it was time to come clean. But I couldn't do it. After all this time, after the year we had been together, I couldn't tell her that her knight in shining armor was a lie. So I dumped her. It was hard...and I was sobbing. Her pain had me in shambles. It was one of the toughest moments of my life. But in that moment, she figured it out. I was not Dustin...I was Mia. And something amazing happened...she accepted me. So all was well, right? All my stress and lies...it all came out okay in the end because we were still together?

...that was when I learned that she had lied about her age. I know that lying about your age can not be compared with lying about a gender. But, at least lying about a gender can not ruin someone's life or get them thrown into jail. I am not pointing a finger, in fact...in Indiana we were still completely legal. But looking back at it now makes me shiver with dread because I could have ended up in a worse position than what I did.

So our relationship was a secret. It was a secret because her parents would never accept it, and it was a secret because mine would not stand for it either. It went so well for the longest time. My whole schedule revolved around this person. Every paycheck went into stamps for letters, for gifts, for minutes on my phone, and eventually for a ring. Every night at 6-pm was dedicated to a phone call...and every weekend at 10pm was for late-night chats. Every morning and night there was a text. Every-single-day at lunch there were more texts. Crazy how young love absolutely consumes a person's life...right? I felt like the more I dedicated to her, the more I could make up for my lies. Even if she had accepted me in the end, I still felt guilty for all the s**t I put her through...and so I really gave this relationship my 110%

...and I guess it paid off because a year later, she asked me to marry her. Crazy right? I could have sworn I was living in a movie. We had a date set, we had a plan. We decided then that we were finally going to meet. And this is where it all comes to an end.

I used to hate my Father for calling her parents and telling them who and what I was...
That was the worse day of my life. My phone was buzzing in health-class, my Mom was desperately trying to reach me. I had to go to the bathroom just to call her back and her words were: "You need to call _____. Your Father called her parents and this will be the last time you ever get to speak to her."

What do you do with this information? What can do you do with this information?

My hands were trembling. I could barely dial her number...and when I had to break the news to Shinigami, she lost it. I couldn't do anything. I could only tell her to be strong, and to fight for us. It was pointless though. They took her phone, they took her computer...
...and when I tried calling her that evening, I was met with death threats from her Brother.

I hated my Father for what he did...and I did not speak with him for 2 years.
But I realize he did the right thing, but like me, he did things in the wrong way. I don't think he realized how badly she was going to be treated. I do not think he took into account what her family would do to her. He just wanted to keep me from going to jail, or worse, being killed.

But at the time...my world was shattered...everything was gone. First heartbreak- it's painful. I didn't know how I was going to get through it. I stopped eating, everything made me cry. All I wanted to do was sleep.

And then, when Shinigami gave up on us...I entered a new stage: RAGE & REJECTION. I was mad. What had I gone through all this trouble for? Why had I wasted so much time walking on eggshells just to be abandoned? I was young, I was hurt, and so I lashed out.
As a hopeless romantic...I felt like I needed love to survive. So, I went on a dating spree. Kitty, Amu, Brandie, and eventually Taz...one failed relationship after another. I guess that's where the other apologies come in.

[[Continued in Part 2]]





 
 
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