so Monday night (well, i guess it's Tuesday.. it was AM)... so Tuesday at 12:30am or 00:30 hours military time.. mom decides she's in enough pain and wants to go to the ER.

her back pain hit a new all-time high.
it's so bad, she's even having me do the laundry.
that's saying something. because. no matter what. she does the laundry.
so since Tuesday, i've been doing ALL the housework.
which is fine. it's not like i can't. i'm an adult. i've been an adult for more than 10 years.
i've lived completely on my own, and did all these things all by myself.

but the difference is my mom.
that old saying about "never work for family"... is true.

she skates some crazy thing line between gratefulness and nastiness.

i can't do things like she does.
i can't do them fast enough.
or in the order that she would do them.
i don't multi-tasking and do X Y or Z while cooking dinner. (yeah, she washes all prep dishes, makes coffee, sets the table.... takes '5 minute breaks on facebook' all while cooking dinner.... *shifty eyes* sorry. but i wash and cut all the vegetables, and when i'm doing it all myself... it takes me an hour and a half...)
And when dinner is over, she's got the dishes washed in less than 30 minutes.

Whereas I like to eat, take a break (because i wasn't taking a break for the 1~2 hours prior to cooking.. hell before that i take a 30 minute walk... and do house chores) and then wash the dishes.

But doing things differently from her.... sets her off.

She makes snide remarks. Or acts put out.

It's frustrating.

She's always been this way. And if I say something to her, she'll take great offense (and likely sulk).

I understand - she's in pain and hasn't slept well. That makes anyone less than nice.
And she's dealing with loss of independence. That's rough.

But it doesn't totally take the sting out of her words.
She has a harsh tone, even over little things. I think it's supposed to be a joke? But the tone is mean.

I can't imagine what she went thru growing up. She must have been verbally abused. She must have been made to feel like she was useless. clumsy. not good enough.
Because her "self talk" sounds this way.

When I went off to college, I started to learn how to deal with that. I also had a lot of negative self-talk. I thought the whole world was always watching me, and judging me harshly.

Maybe some people in the world are.
Maybe some people are petty and nasty and mean.
But I don't care about them and their opinion.

I learned that most people are worried about what others think of them, so they're less likely to notice your flaws.
I learned that it's okay to make mistakes.
I mean, I take my work seriously and do my best. Every time.
But I've learned to let go of things I can't control. I can laugh when the wind blows the poster board out of my hand and through a puddle. Or when it's rainy, and the bus splashes all the street water up all over me. (yup. happened. it's real.)

It helps me to write through these things.