This is a rather emotional post even though it's hard for me to feel emotional right now considering I'm at this new job (that I really like) in the main lobby listening to Maroon 5 & SZA sweatdrop (....and I'm looking at this tall white boy with an amazing, proportionate frame)
So yesterday Rob and I had a conversation that really rubbed me to wrong way.
First, he told me a hypothetical story about a girl had to cross a river to see her boyfriend and the only guy with a boat in the whole town wanted to sleep with her to take her across the river. So she slept with him to see her boyfriend and when she told her boyfriend...the boyfriend started beating her. He asked me who was wrong in the situation and to him (and his friend Omar) no one in the story was wrong because they were acting based on what they know. It was really stupid. Under no circumstances should you beat or assault someone...especially in that instance.
Second, he proceeded to tell me how depressed he was and how hard it was to deal with cancer alone. At one point I posed a question stating, "Do you think it's your depression that makes you feel like you have to deal with this alone?" Because the way he was speaking, it sounded like he was depressed partially because he had to deal with this alone. He think proceeded to tell me how sometimes he just sat at the cancer center or Tara had to pick him up because he was so sick.
First of all (all referring to the aforementioned) I really don't think it's fair to sit here and say that he dealt with cancer by himself when he had and still has a host of people who care for him, check up on him and the like. Second, I find it very difficult to take responsibility or even sympothize with him "dealing with cancer alone" when I was there EVERY day and offered my help and assistance. Hell, we even had discussions about how I didn't know how to properly take care of someone who was sick or ailing and asked for him help in informing me what he needs, what I should be doing and how I can make things better. HE was the one that took this on by himself by brushing me off multiple times. There are many ways where we could've made this work and I could've been there but he didn't want to put in the work. We couldn't set the appointment for early in the morning so that I could still get to work after taking him to his cancer treatment, he couldn't asked me to cancel the weekend with my sisters during his surgery, he could've just overall been upfront about what he wanted and needed.
But you know why he wasn't? Because he doesn't want me...
I honestly feel some kind a way about his remarks yesterday and he really needs to know that it isn't fair to me or any of the people that reached out regarding his health over the past few months. Although we might not have been there in the way that HE felt we needed to be, we were still there in our own way and, truly, it's up to him to communicate his needs and desires from those who are close to him. After that discussion happens and they loved one proceeds to ignore your requests THEN you can start playing the abandonment card but NOT without the conversation.
It goes back to the overarching communication problems with him that have been going on...forever.
Anyway, he's supposed to be coming down tonight and I do want to talk to him about it. I plan on saying that some of the things he said yesterday made me feel some kind of way and ask him if it's okay if I share what some of my thoughts were.
In other news...I still low key love my job. Apparently no one comes in on Fridays and everyone works from home. Awesome. I've been pretty bored lately at work but I know when things start going it's going to get crazy. There's a Coordinators lunch on Monday and it'd be great to hear what kind of projects everyone works on so I can get a gist of what my day-to-day will look like.
So Rob is annoying. Honestly for me, all I need is for you to be there and be nice to me. If you ask me if you can leave (like he did when we were in Vegas and I paid for the ATV rides) I said NOOOOOOO because his very voice and presence was making me feel better even though I felt like s**t. That kind of goes back to him not wanting me sweatdrop rofl
But honestly, at this point, he can do what he wants. I'm tired of begging him to stay with me and want to be with me. He may not come down because he doesn't want to trust or reply on me. I honestly think the change in environment would be good. Most times its good to get away from all the pain and drama that ensued over the past few years. And in all honestly, over the past ten years...and I keep saying this but not...that...much...has been accomplished on his end. He took a few classes a few years ago (I remember helping him out with them). No expungement. Truly's still ******** up his credit. Minor improvements to the house (interior and exterior). Improvement on his reading, but not at the level I think should be recognized after ten years...just a lot of stalled almost progress....and I hate to bring that up but I have to be real about it.
He needs to get away from the drama and distractions and be able to focus. Maybe online classes might be the way to go for him? Who knows, but these are the options that we have to look for and consider.
More to come later.
Love heart
Mood: Womp xp Music: "What Lovers Do" - Maroon 5 featuring SZA from Red Pills Blue
Ryonosuke · Fri Oct 13, 2017 @ 07:29pm · 0 Comments |