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Yeheteer
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If I Kill Myself Tonight
If I kill myself tonight, everyone who has hurt my heart will bear the pain it suppressed for so long. My heart has always been forgiving and generous, but it will have its final revenge that will be an endless cycle of guilt and pain to those who holds a piece of it. It will remain as a large thorn in their heart that will induce a perpetual bleeding, reminding them that the death of a sensitive yet pure heart lies on their hands.

If I kill myself tonight, the world will no longer witness a girl to fall down again and again just to be laughed at and belittle. People will no longer take joy of my failures and non-triumphant gestures of trying to make this broken planet a better place.

If I kill myself tonight, my ego will feed on the guilty eyes of those who have said so many foul things about my existence. After tonight, they will be lost of words and be filled with pure lies that will save them from their own crime of putting me down.

If I kill myself tonight, I will lose an entire universe inside my mind. My dreams that has been driving me to move forward all my life will come to a halt, and no other soul will be able to continue it, no matter how hard they try. My passions, my imperfections, my potential contributions to mankind - all of it will be gone.

If I kill myself tonight, my friends will be left with a huge question mark. They will walk in the corridors reminiscing how my figure used to be there; how my smile used to be there. They will endlessly talk about the things that reminds them of me. They will shed tears, and I will no longer be there to tell them that everything will be okay, because I could no longer even save myself.

If I kill myself tonight, my dog will sleep under my bed every night until my scent disappears, until my bed is filled with nothing but my past. Soon, she will realize I have been away for too long. She will wait at the main door every night expecting for me to come back, but I can no longer come back, and she will never understand why.

If I kill myself tonight, my grandmother will bear so much heartache that her old heart may no longer endure. She will try to understand why a jolly girl she'd known all her life slowly turned into a quiet nobody, always locked in her room, refusing to eat all the time. She will know that the happy face I have been showing her was just a facade.

If I kill myself tonight, my dad will realize how long he'd been away, not from house, but from home. He will realize that her little girl is no longer the one he once knew. He will realize that it was not the material things he had provided me made me happy, but the thought that he cares, but he will realize that I needed more than that. I needed a father that would command me to be strong, because even a little pressure to stop me from being this emotional mess could have saved me.

If I kill myself tonight, my mom who has been always there for me will no longer pick a broken-hearted girl every afternoon from school and ask how her day was without receiving any response. She will no longer be taken for granted by this girl who grew as a spoiled and ungrateful brat. She will no longer buy her clothes and makeup thinking it would make her feel okay.

If I kill myself tonight, I will not give myself a chance to be stronger. I will succumb to the oblivion my ego is inducing in my life, and the world will lose another spark of hope. I won't be able to inspire other people that would cause ripples of endless hope.

If I kill myself tonight, I will be alone, just like I had always been.




 
 
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