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Operation Impending Doom
Last night made me realize that I have no physical bond left to my boyfriend.
Yesterday he seemed to go out of his way to talk to me,
which is a 180 from last week.
Last week was a super hard one for me.
Kaydence was acting up in school [never happens, but 4 days out of that week it did],
I had court and was testified against by my mother on my ex husbands behalf[its not the first time she testified against me, but it still sucks seeing that person on the stand.],
my boyfriend went on a drinking spree [every night while he was "house sitting" for his sister that does not know of the always drunken friend he invited over],
and my car started to make an awful sound early last week that makes me think its already falling apart.
I really could have used him last week.
He hurt me to my core.
Lying, not answering the phone, and questions being answered with questions...
It all made me realize,
I miss spending time with my daughter, like just me and her.
She's pretty nice and sweet just the two of us.
I enjoy it a lot more than trying to make a family work with someone that doesn't know what settling down is.
I wasn't the sweetest to Caleb the past couple of days since he started acting so shady,
but I found myself unattractive to him.
I woke up to his version of foreplay,
and I guess it had been a couple of weeks or so it seems since we've engaged in such actions,
but it was like the action itself.
There was nothing to it.
I can't bring myself to kiss him.
Or even to look in his eyes without some sort of conversation that does not have to do with us.
And I can still see and feel the disloyalty each time.
Maybe I'm just overly sensitive,
but this is the man that told me he wanted me to have his child,
to settle down,
and raise a family.
I do not have any physical friends [it has been that way since we have started dating] and I have devoted my life for months on end to OUR family.
Knowing that he can just go ghost while we are sharing the same bed,
makes me feel like I need my own.
I already miss him,
but I need to let myself get ready for the reality slap that is going to happen when I delivery this baby.
I always let myself get wrapped up in the fairy-tale of love,
but I've already been down this road with one ex.
If I let this experience get the best of me it will be my own fault.

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