well... it certainly has been a hot minute since i've been online. how are you?
before you read through this: i'm doing ok now. i was suicidal before, so this is a trigger warning for those who may be sensitive with that sort of thing.
i got really bad. for a moment, i contemplated taking my own life. i was hallucinating, both auditory and visually. i nearly attacked a friend that was staying over for the night- i can't even remember why. i don't remember a lot of things that happened throughout that entire week, and i continue to have memory problems.
i told my mom what was going on and we went ahead and rushed to the emergency room. i was kept there for six hours, still hallucinating and irrational, and then transferred to a psychiatric hospital, where i stayed for a week. i'm on new medications(that still need major adjustments) and found an outlet, poetry. it's been such a relief to find something i love to do and experience.
i've also found out that the man i was seeing got a girlfriend while i was in the hospital. it was hard enough being there with nothing but my thoughts, but to come out and expect someone you love to be there waiting for you with open arms was instead at home with someone else was quite heart breaking. and not only that- he didn't even have the balls to tell me. i had to see it as a facebook update- one of which he hid from his facebook timeline. he was trying to keep it secret.
i stayed with this man for a long time. i was at his house nearly every day for about ten months. he asked me a couple of times when my lease was due. he hinted several times that maybe one day we'd have children together. i sacrificed so much for him, i gave him more than i had, fed him before i could feed myself. i was in love.
we had a wonderful relationship.
apparently... i wasn't good enough to have the title "girlfriend," but i was adequate enough to keep around for so long to have sex with and manipulate. he still considers me his friend, at least that's what he claims, but we haven't had an actual conversation in weeks. he left me when i needed him most. i could have died, and he wouldn't have had any idea. he would've been at home, with this woman, instead.
i don't have trouble attracting men. i'm a fairly good looking girl and i'm good at breaking the ice and being open with everyone. but he was the first person i truly felt attracted to- we had incredible chemistry. there was something, deep inside of me, that pulled me to him. it felt like we were supposed to be together. his touch felt like electricity. he could make me laugh when i cried. his arms made me felt safe. he was something that i couldn't even explain. but... i was only a pretty girl that was good in bed, and made the occasional poop joke.
i think my depression and anxiety were too much. i think he didn't want to deal with my irrational thoughts and simply put on a facade. i've... been having trouble accepting the fact that my dreams of having a future, one where we have a family and live happily ever after, are simply dreams, and that's it. (i legitimately have dreamed of being pregnant with his child. we were both so happy. he would put his hand on my belly and give me a sweet kiss on the cheek. we would laugh. he would look into my eyes and smile. i have this dream often.)
to sum everything up...
i lost my dog. i lost my job. i lost all my friends. i lost the love of my life. i lost my mind.
so... it's been fun. luckily i've been able to transfer my feelings into some poetry as well, but it's a daily pain that i still feel intensely, and i'm trying to cope through my writing. i take my medications every day, along with several vitamins to counter my shitty eating habits. (i lost 30 lbs in six weeks.) i've cut back on my smoking and i've saved my drinking habits for social outings. i'm trying to sleep better and i'm researching meditation and mindfulness habits to truly get back in touch with myself. my neighbor pretty much set me up with a full time job with a friend of his. i would be making more than enough money to cover my part of the rent. i'm scheduled to see a psychiatrist in october, and he can give me written permission to keep a service animal despite the outrageous pet deposit (1k per pet. not even kidding.) and i'll get proper meds.
it's been a hell of a journey and it's not over yet. any insight or advice would be lovely.
feel free to share your journeys with me as well. or if you'd simply like to talk about the weather, that would be nice too. i think what's best for me, as of right now, would be to socialize with humans who aren't here to judge.
much peace and love to you. don't stop fighting. ✌️