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Thoughts from the bird of one thousand faces.
This is honestly just my journal.... I'm putting thoughts, rants, and random shite here.... what did you expect?
-Nineteen- This is Nonsense probably don't read.
Here in lies random jumbled thoughts randomly plaguing my mind.

Some things may be completely randoms, mostly nonsensical and none of it is in order. Any thoughts/feelings towards people will be addressed with 'he/she/they' to avoid naming names. Some things make be sensitive topics so you have been warned.

If you do not wish to read through broken thoughts and random petty issues i suggest you stop reading now.
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If you are still here well then you can't say I didn't warn you.

So lets begin.

I am so weak for them. I fall down and expose myself to them. I cant lie to them I want to be honest and bleed my everything for them even if they freeze me. I'm not dumb. Im not blind or stupid. They are cold, so so so cold. They seem to keep me at a distance, I notice their rude remarks and their unkind behavior. I notice their lack of caring and I notice their salty words. I know they are keeping me away and I know the ice is thick. I also know that there are brief moments they have given me a teasing taste of the warmth buried in their icy shell.. They gave me a glimmer of hope that there is warmth inside despite all the cold and callous treatment.. They are such a sadist~ Teasing me like that, giving me hope.. Making me weak and tearing down so effortlessly my barricades. Normally I'd never let this happen.. I'd be rude and spiteful and run away. I dont want this sadism. I dont want this cruelty. They are cold and it hurts at times but yet.. They let me see their warmth and now I want it. I need it again.. What cruel plans do you have in your mind, sadistic little leprechaun you are.. I am trying to be cold to them like they are to me. They brush it off and say they will wait till i come out of my shell again.. Bah.. I don't want to be in a shell I want to see if you even react to someone treating you the way you treat others.. I want to see if my lack of warmth and affection even affects you.. I want some sort of proof that my relentless onslaught of affection has had even a little impact on melting your permafrost-ed heart... Any thing.. You showed me once, a glimpse, so please... Cant you show me again? something? anything.. So i know im not wasting my breath? Just something to know that my efforts arent for naught?
Like you would ever even see this... it's naive and daft to even believe in things like that. Like the gods and the goddess's being so kind to give me even the slightest break. No no.. people have to die, abuse me and toss me in the trash in a seemingly never ending onslaught of torment. Whatever have I done that is so wrong to warrant such misfortune? Does someone hate me so that this suffering is all that will make them feel good? Hah.. I am so very tired.. Physically tired from barely sleeping as of late.. mentally and emotionally tired from the deaths and the abusive friendships... I cant sleep due to nightmares of finding everyone i know and love dead, just like we watched grandpa die. I cant focus cause i cant sleep. I feel.. dead on the inside.... Everything is bleak and grey and nothing i enjoy seems to be... any sort joy to me. I just do things because i have to now. I do things because how else am i suppose to spend the endless days ? What else am i to do with my time? I am putty in his hands.... I am a prisoner to her neglect... I am irrelevant to everyone else.. I dont want endless attention.. but I do want someones attention.. even a little bit.. Please.. dont.. abandon me... dont..im so scared of being alone... i dont want to go baack.. i dont want to go back and rot there.... i want to stay here, with my happy facade and be near you... let me... let me be near you stop pushing me away.... i hate it... i hate being pushed away please im begging dont be so cold... im begging you let me even the slightest bit closer to you... I just want to know someone... wants me near them.. someone.. wants my friendship... does anyone want me close to them...? It has came to my attention that rain is fun to run in. I use to play in the rain all the time as a child you know, so the other day i ran out and played in the heavy rain and hail just for fun. I didnt mind getting a little hurt, it was fun at the end of it. I like playing in the rain.. specially warm rain. Warm rain is so nice.... The only thing better is warm rain during a sun shower~ Its so.... satisfying to play in a sun shower, the dusk sun peeking through the tree tops coating you in a blanket of warm golden rays as the sky blesses you with a gentle yet warm cascade of its tears. It's... Really nice.. and then you get to see the rainbow in the sky as you stand in the warmth of both the sun and the rain.. simply lovely~

Thats all the nonsense i have today...

Until later
-Lue


Lucifer Knightroad
Community Member
  • [10/05/17 07:57am]
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