I give up. Tired of being stonewalled with no explanation for things. Maybe it's time to recognize I can't revive the corpse of an old relationship I destroyed just because I have fond memories and a misguided idea he missed me. After 4 years I don't have the right to waltz back into his life and expect an open and warm reception. I already pushed my luck enough...

I just have to understand there are consequences to my actions. I'm reaping what I had sown and I missed the chance to make things right years ago. Maybe it's better not to dwell on the past anyways... there's a reason why it didn't work out the first time after all... I just thought maybe after a few years had passed and we'd both grown as people, some things would have changed. But maybe not. And I guess I'll never really get the chance to find out either way and I need to accept that.