Just small warning when you see this.
it's pass beyond others believe so... I won't blame if person who read my entry here think I am LYING by do type all of this.
anyway, it's your problem for not believe me. I also won't force you to believe mine.
here's the story began
may people wonder to me for have any interest with this subject called L.O.V.E.
the answer is I have, but people around me actually love to tease me a lot when i start answer & make a mess, saying I have no interest with love, so cruel toward others feel, they make a plan to see my reaction, & etc.
however, I don't make it as prior of my life either try to start relationship. if only you know, how painful to bear when you start believe so much & deeply in love that you have courage to throw your life for something you want but you cannot make it in the end, that feeling of disappointment... can you bear that hurt?
I know these & that's why i won't make people to have this kind of path. I usually tell clearly to give up on me on start try, doesn't mean I won't welcome any intention related with love from people. I just dislike to put someone in danger line & to make sure i also in safe line.
you will ask have you experience it before? I did but it was long time ago.
says it was almost 19 years ago story.
The question if you being curious, why do I not hit that person?
being weak so bothersome... always wishing for live better but in the end no progress been made while I do keep praying. Not just have problem with my health ( I tend to cough a lot since elementary school ), also in social life I really helpless since I am very weak & silly, my parent also being so strict & refuse if i make fail on school... (no matter how i try, I still FAIL back the days causing me suffer a lot & parent for serious beat me. I don't want to remember...)
no one help me in real life. just seeing me, walking passing me, & talking back on me. they know how broke I am but no solution, answer, advise, give to me that time.. they put me on down state by giving me prank, tease, throw something on my desk, & etc which make me suffer more..
some of them pity me while other trying to make a prank on me every time we meet. to make it easy, I got bully back the days.
do you think i never pass the point of giving up for everything & no longer care anymore? I also pass this point & got stuck for few years.. but let this topic pending for moment, my question now is...
do you think it's acceptable for you after know I was surpass this difficulty?
for that person who i deeply in love, the story of 19 years ago, knowing all my suffer story. he was not like other people but he willing take care about me, slowly but sure I deeply fall to him with my mindset for living together with him in future.
does he have good things with him?
he did for me back the days :
I usually run away from home when my parent beat me & person who always find me was him. I don't know why he know where I do hide myself. he never say bad things to me or nagging me when find me. (suppose normal people will angry to me doing such reckless action) Before he take me to home, he usually bring me to shop for buying some sweets, always play with me together, & taught me lot of things.
those moment when he always stay with me, I cannot help myself for not always tag along with him. I attached with him whenever we go. some people think we are alike brother-sister.
But this moment cannot go longer.
you may get more curious in this point?
first of all, since my parent always give me lot of strict rule when i was 5 years old, they also always repeat same warn me to not socialize with people who not require their standard. he not meet my parent standard however... I want to keep stay with him,so... I won't let my intention down just because that silly rules. ( myself back that days not knowing further about the rules has been made by my parent, but now i completely understand & cannot refuse their rules anymore like I did back when I fall in love with him )
second, He not longer there anymore. I mean... well.. you understand what by the means of "no longer"?
He also the person who give me first experience of DEATH meaning.
the days, it was 8 PM. I cried for no reason & keep calling his name in my sleep.
tomorrow I got news, He died. the time when he died, it also same as when I crying on 8 PM... what a coincidence, and I disbelieve that. I check to his house, found out he no longer there. only find mourn situation on there. I cannot cry that time but shocked.
you may not disbelieve me, right?
few weeks after that, I even willing to throw my life for real cause the person no longer there anymore.
I think if i do it, I may meet again, but in contrast the answer is wrong.
when my parent know i try to do kind of suicide without they know the reason is i don't want to be apart from him... they slap me hard & bring me to the hospital for 1 month.
I am such idiot, but really, It's one time life experience for me to falling in love with people. such pure, warm, & seriously.. if i don't meet him first, I don't know what will I be now.
this years I pray to his graveyard for ask apologize & permission.
I am sorry for not keep my promise to him any longer because my parent start worry me.
you may question me this, since that one, are you dare to fall in love again?
the answer is depend on person who could make me fall in love.
I am very quickly get interesting with people but... if you put me into love situation, I won't dare. ready to love, ready to get hurt too.
I had super worse story with me & since ever that, I think It's better for me if I start my romance relationship by meet from parent connection rather than meet from friend circle.
try to find love in friendship circle is super awkward & bothersome, will make discomfort feeling in future
well. it's fun at first when exploring if the feeling is mutual or no but have you ever find yourself get problem after? if NO, you are the MOST LUCKY having kind of love experience.. the chance like 1 peoples among million people out there in this situation.
as for me is BAD LUCK. I don't know why it should happen on me.
I get along very well with people, until someone mention if their friends has interest with XXX. oh okay, I understand & keep my mind think of that person belong to her. but... you know jealous can slip in. that time I don't really understand my act for being keep friendly is WRONG.
there's a days i got myself in danger. they may did cause out of anger & have plan to kill me for real.
not just one time i got myself in that situation, there's also other situation i met.
trying to get that person no matter what, trying to accuse me a lot until that person dislike me, & plan to use me as bait or stepping stone for their purpose.
I know if i try to meet love from parent circle will be super awkward at first, but, this way more comfortable for me.
However... I know this is LAME WAY to get into romance line & it's very rare in this modern era!
I won't lie, i hate that ideas when i know these for first time.
the problems occurs when person who take the request usually older than me.
after getting know them, I find out they had child with them. uhm... oh well..>.>
uhm... frankly, it's fair for me but... really... is it okay to take upon their request?
I only not prepare being their stepmother! did you know how children describe or picturing stepmother?! how their life before when their mom still there & after stepmother come into their life? will they comfortable with new situation?
some people disagree me to accept that kind of proposal.
my friend says, it same as he hire you as MAID to take care of his child, not thinking of you as WAIFU! what a cunning male! ( I laughing a lot but well.. what is wife suppose to do? does it make a sense too? )
oh well it's too much here to type!
however this year, I decide to make myself try to fall again with someone.
uhm... i am not young! (I am not school anymore~) also i still afraid to start.
may this question hit me, is there people in your mind who could catch your attention now?
hmm... frankly I cannot answer cause no one right now who could be like him in my past. i am sure i will find one although not as perfect as him because nobody is perfect, but i may not notice which one. things i am not sure, will i find the person on parent circle or friendship circle.
things for sure, when i am sure about my decision to start, he will be "my first...." feel free to fill the empty space & imagine it.
thanks for reading this entry! frankly this take lot of courage for me to type this one.. cause I almost crying to re-write my past story. I rare to talk these, but i re-think if it's okay to write this or no. if it can help someone who read this entry then it's good to know.
