She's gone for good, I don't think she's even home now, I haven't seen her at all since earlier, and odds are I won't see her again for a few days.
I guess it's practice for being alone.
She needs space, she needs room to breathe because I was suffocating her. I remember what that felt like, when you just wanted to talk and have a good time with your friends and your ex just wouldn't stop, they were dying on the inside, they were being torn apart, and it hurt you to know that, but you just desperately needed an escape.
Heh.. I got punished for caring too much and pushing too hard. I guess I see what she meant now, she didn't mean to punish me but I was. Oh well..
I'm very lonely. It always hurt when she said that we wouldn't live together, because she's the only one I want to live with. The thought of living in a place alone makes me terribly depressed.. I'm an extreme introvert, but I still want to live with someone, I still want a good friend around whom I can talk to and feel their presence. I guess no one understands that feeling.. just knowing someone's presence is in the house with me, comforts me. I don't feel alone, I feel at peace.
I'm sad that our relationship didn't work out, I did love her I think, I do love her? I'm not sure what I feel right now, but i'm so sad that our relationship failed. I'm so sad that she doesn't love me.
I don't want to love anyone and I don't want anyone to love me.. I'm just going to kill myself anyways, so why would I even bother.. it's why I haven't gotten glasses, why I'm not working too much to improve my health, because I'm just going to kill myself so none of that matters.
I keep thinking about scheduling an appointment for glasses now that I have the money, but I'm so ******** depressed that I don't want to. Chloe always nagged me about my health issues, and I get her concern, but she doesn't understand that I'm so depressed I don't care about my health.
After everything that's happened recently..? I stopped caring completely. I'd never smoke before - I know it rots your teeth and your lungs, and I wouldn't drink, because of damage to your liver and kidneys. I actually wanted to live a long full life, for Chloe's sake - but now? I don't care. I have no one to live for, an dI'm so depressed I don't want to find anyone else to live for because they'll just be filled with pain when I kill myself.
No one can stop this now, it's an inevitability. I didn't even ask Chloe when she's leaving, I'm just going to wait until she's gone and do it. We're not friends anymore, so she should be fine. She'll be so busy with the move and settling in, and all of the responsibilities that come with living in a different state and finding a new job that she won't notice that I'm not online. She won't notice anything.. I'll set up scheduled tweets on twitter so everyone thinks I'm still alive and happy online.. they'll wonder why I'm not replying, but maybe I'll make the explanation a scheduled tweet, just so everyone knows. It'll be easier that way.
I'm going to do it where they'll never find the body, I have a plan figured out already..
I hate that every journal entry turns into my suicide plans.. but I'm so lonely and miserable. I'm so ******** lonely.. and I've lost everything. I lost everyone who mattered to me. There is nothing left for me now, death is the only escape I have.
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