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I wonder what my life would be like.
If my grandfather was still around.
If my father really loved me.
If my mom stayed with my dad.
If my other grandfather would still be alive.
If my great grandmother was still alive.
If I had done more in college.
If I hadn't tried to hurt myself.
There's so many if's in my life.

I feel so behind everyone. Here I am at a job I hate, a grandmother drinking herself to deaths door, friendships that feel empty, almost 24 only an associates, still not in the same city as my lover.

How many more things do I need to have thrown at me before I throw the towel in and ******** get up and do something? You feel stuck. why don't you get the ******** up?
I feel its so much easier said than done, is it though? Would a degree help me that much? 50/50. Talked to Barbara. Did nothing.

Friendships take so much effort. Especially when I feel they dont put forth an effort as much as me, but I'm so greedy at times. Its hard. Its very easy to let some of them go too, considering some of them are going down a path I don't want to travel. I'm too old to go down one path, and the other one is more of a p***y than I.

My birthday's coming up. Which brings a lot of things back up. Like how I'm stuck at a shitty job at 24. How my grandfather's death anniversary is a couple days after. Not to mention all the crazy mall goers.


Also I have to vent about this. You told me this is all part of Gods plan, that he's leading you into drinking. He's lead you into this spiral of depression. ******** please. Another example of why I refuse to believe in "God". What kind of "God" would lead you down a path like that? What kind of god would take my grandfather so early? What kind of god would give many of us shitty fathers? Not one I want to follow. I don't want to be part of that bullshit. Good luck on "god's" path. When in reality its you leading yourself down this wine spilled path towards death's door.