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It was Halloween of 2016 as I, Henry Townshend, found myself casually walking the foggy candy bar wrapper littered streets of Silent Hill. I was making my way to the hotel which I had been so furiously laboring over converting it into a haunted house the past few weeks. The same furious labor which kept Eileen up at night wondering if I was gone all the time taking Cynthia up on her special favor. The same thought Eileen had which kept me up all night from the sheer fear that is a Cynthia Velasquez favor.

Yes, between that most likely infection carrying thought and the eerie sounds that could only be the suffering cries of Walter's victims and/or a Douglas Sullivan finally forced into wearing pants this was sure to be a frightening night for the ages. As I entered the rundown hotel, I made my way to the control room where I would be triggering the nights events for all my soon to arrive guests. Between me, the dog you all thought was just a bonus ending, and Eddie-with-a-mouth-full-of-pizza there would be no room for screw ups..... Or so I thought.

The first event in the haunted house was none other than Pyramid Head himself. Naturally this was a tough scare to improve upon, but after a little digging I knew I had found the right scare for our geometric friend. Behold! The Chamber of the Pythagorean Fearom! Be terrified as Pyramid Head solves ludicrous triangular problems into the very flesh of his victims! And if that didn't have you soiling quadratic excrement into your faded tattered jeans then just wait until the next chamber!

Produced by our locally grown Richard Braintree, I bring you the electrified maze! Cling tight to your friends and/or the complete strangers around you because you had to come alone because your friends were too busy doing other things and you said it was cool because you're a nice guy but what you didn't know is that they were throwing a party behind your back and you weren't invited because ever since that one night you kinda smell like Wisconsin cheese with a touch of pickled egg juice. Beware touching any walls as they would deliver a shocking..... 3 volts? Really? What do you mean Richard powered this entire thing with double A batteries?? Nobody would even feel it, Richard! Never should have trusted a guy electrocuted to death.... Moving on!

As you begin to enter the third chamber you begin to wonder, "How can this get any worse?!" The terror practically oozing out of every pore! Which is ironic, because welcome to the Water Prison slug room! We asked Andrew DeSalvo to hand pick these delectable squishy morsels while he was floating through the prison's newly installed lazy river. Watch in horror as they slowly creep towards you.... I mean, really slowly.... You could probably just walk around them, take a nap, and continue the haunted house without any adverse reaction. But, but just look at how they slime a noxious trail on every surface! A true terror for any cleaning lady among us! At this point we will take anyone we can scare!

By now you must be truly shaking in your seats from fear, and if not you may need to seek shelter because that is definitely an earthquake! That or Eddie is finally taking his first real bowel movement in over 7 years! Cheese pizza will happen to the best of us.... Be strong Eddie. I will return with another entry summarizing the rest of the haunted house after this short intermission. Be worried my friends.

*INTERMISSION*
How many times has this happened to you? You're walking along a particularly dreadful afternoon when all of a sudden, WHAM! And not the pop band either! 300 pounds of rancid abomination falls seemingly from the sky directly in front of you with an equally 300 pounds worth of sledgehammer! Normally this is where you'd curl up in a fetal position crying uncontrollably as you think only happy thoughts for which you realize you have none, you live in Silent Hill. We know, we know. We've been there every time we play Downpour. But now you don't have to be that guy with our new state of the art weaponry! Introducing, Gun! It's.... just a gun. Turn the tides by simply shooting him from afar and then continuing on your way. Gun - from the makers of Bullet. You'll wonder why we made them in that order! *trademark slogan*