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i wonder how you say goodbye
to people you love.
"goodbye,"
they may say, lips curled just right,
even as your chest is an ache & ah,
loneliness, its a crime.
a crime to your heart that falls flat on its face,
& the burning of tears left in its wake,
the long empty nights where your fingers spasm,
legs straighten, eyebrows bow,
throat dry as you try to find words.
i'm tired, i'm broken,
all these words mean nothing to me.
i'm lonely,
but not enough to say a thing.
"do you need me?"
i say no, but im all shattered smiles,
welted wrists and broken nails,
pills discarded to decrepit counters
& i feed lies to open mouths,
for they are accepting of anything but
the truth that singes soft fingers
& the image of perfect, round faces
with perfect round smiles.
i dont know what family is,
besides obligation tied with the knot
of supposed love,
of guilt & shame & nothing but
shadowed eyes, looking down, looking down,
because they don't want a challenge,
they want someone to listen.
i'm lonely
but i don't say so,
because when you do they recoil just slight,
their eyes soft in knowing,
pity, so much pity
like the way one looks upon a dying animal,
& all they can offer is "im sorry"
im sorry too,
for the way i spend nights wondering
if this is all there is
& that im tired of looking
of flinching at the older men,
looking at me too close,
of the father who reaches out
in order to rebuild already burnt bridges,
of the flirting that leads nowhere
except my contempt & fear
fear, panic
"i'm not a good person,"
is my excuse, & when someone says
"no you're not"
i wither away, confronted by my own
deceit & i run
because i am a coward,
& when people say i'm strong i say of course
but i'm not.
i'm not i'm not i'm not
& i'm so tired of feeling lonely.
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& after this i know i'll grow stronger.
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