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------Hey guys, I've been gone for a while. I'm sorry about that, for those who care. I know I promised myself not to write here again due to my fears of this place shutting down one of these days, but today is an exception. I owe it to myself at least, for all of the hurting that I've been putting myself through as of lately. I finally broke down. All of the bottled fears, anger, and hurt that I've been keeping to myself, have finally escaped into tears, hurtful words and apologies. This will probably be a long entry, so if you read it all; thank you for caring. I'll probably start in the beginning, as in the very beginning, in order for you to understand.

------I guess we can say that it started in 7th grade and I started playing guitar more seriously, as a creative form of social expression due to the fact that I never really had friends. I mostly kept to myself drowning into vast amounts of creative outlets such as music, drawing, writing etc etc. And because of that I was a very very lonely person, and yeah I was bullied a lot too. Then I started singing and playing guitar and its as if I pressed the "I have friends now" button. And I fell in love with the instrument, and music in general I think, but I only saw it as a form of social expression. I guess you can say that I'm still lonely today, and I wouldn't argue with you. After all, writing this itself is a creative form of social expression. Back on topic: I started playing music more seriously and my path as a musician started.

------Fast forward to 2013 at my graduation from high school and my suicidal tendencies because the future is a scary and hopeless place. I applied for college despite the fact that I didn't want to because I would throw myself into a shitload of debt, because I seen it in my sister. But due to the fact that college was suppose to be this place where you "discover" who you are and what your passions are. I never really looked at the option as a musician because in my mind, music was just a hobby. That and also the pressures of being a first generation immigrant from my parents that I "need" to go to college to have a better life. They believed that music is a waste of time. So I went to college, despite the challenges I had to face into applying cause I ******** up my application, but that is a completely different story by itself. In short, I didn't know what to do with my life

------College came, I met a lot of people, I chose to follow my best friend, who's going for an environmental science degree due to the fact that its a growing industry and there will be jobs for it in the future. Two years of college I used music to meet a lot of great people, despite me studying for env science. I found many opportunities as well, as a sound engineer in both studio and live applications. I balanced it somehow, my social life as a musician, and my academic life pursuing science. I learned that you can do so many things than just "being a rockstar" a term my father often coined.

------Then I met this girl, in my third year, which was last year. I had joined this music club. I wrote about that club in previous updates I think. I have also written about this girl in my last two entries I think. We went out, my dating life is s**t by the way but that's a different topic overall. She is relevant because she got me ******** up back into my suicidal tendencies because of the damage that occurred when we split up. My whole world collapsed, and I've been carrying it. It was the classic case of putting all the eggs into one basket. I invested my future into her. ******** it she was everything I wanted in someone, both in physical appearance and in mannerisms, attitude and mentality. We shared the same view points and enjoyed the same things. We were a perfect match. At least that what I thought. My fears into suffocating someone with my affection came true. Its not like I was a control freak either, but I think I was too loose with her. And she found someone else and she got tired of me.

------Concerning my future however, I had taken less and less classes for environmental science, to pursue music and to be with her. Yeah you guessed it, she was a musician too. I was going to change my major to music, so that we would be able to take classes together etc etc. And due to the fact that I was spending more time for her and music, I failed my classes. To the point that I was below enrollment status so therefore further student loans are denied to me. I ******** up big time, and I had no idea how to tell my parents. I sunk back into my hopelessness and suicidal tendencies as I have said earlier. My world shattered, I'm unable to return and study, that with the pressures from my parents, and the depression from heartbreak. Yeah, I just sunk, and I kept it all to myself. I told a few selective people, like my best friend. But I told them to those who can't do anything but give me pity. I hold it in for a long time, a lot of months go by


And then... I just broke...


------I broke down today, which is why I'm writing here. I broke down in front of my parents too. But it wasn't as bad as I thought. Despite the initial cuts of hurtful words that I've exchanged with them. They have actually become more supportive of me much to my surprise. My father actually urged me to write again. So that way I don't bottle things again. So I guess I'll be writing here more often. I was able to explain to my parents how that there;s a lot of career paths out there. Regarding my financial situation, they've agreed to help me find work to pay off loans and to save up to return to studying. As for love.... I found that part weird and silly, how they were lecturing me about it. I found out that my mother actually feels bad due to the fact that she can't help me pay for my loans because she's already helping my sister. Its a weird thing, but I also feel a bit lighter. I think I needed that release. If you have read this far, thank you for caring. You can expect more from me as I will start to write here more.

Thank you for staying with me, This is Anikacy, see you soon.