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fxcked up (aka life)
i plan to write about whatever the fxck i want to thankx!
iused to be a badass
once upon a time
nooooo, do you remember when.

I have always thought i was a good kid. Even when i did everything wrong, i still thought i was a good kid. and i was, for awhile, but everyone has a wild side, right?
I guess it started when I fell in love... The first time i ever snuck out, i walked/ rode a bike seven miles to see him, drilled holes in my floor to stick a phone wire through so i could talk to him... i mean, i was going to MARRY him, for goodness' sake!
but, then i didnt.
maybe, it started after that, when i moved into town.Or maybe when i started to have different friends.Maybe, it didnt start until after JROTC, and our first pickle party.
I had just moved in with my father, and we were living one block off main street. all of my jrotc friends walked home with me for spaghetti and volleyball, and then proceeded to do this every wednesday until kat and i eventually got cut from the team. But that is when i began to walk around town.
When we finally got a permanent house, it was in a "quiet'' neighborhood a little above town. My friends were close, and i was given freedom because i was a good, responsible kid.
It started out small, like walking a few blocks to laurens at night, and then a few more blocks to deposit cabages on our friends porch. But eventually, i was comfortable walking around our neighbood.
The more comfortable i got, the more people came over and walked around with me. One day, my new friend and I were sitting outside on the sidewalk, when a guy left my neighbors house on a bike. we said hi, had a conversation, and then somehow agreed to smoke pot with him, this stranger that I didnt even know, but thought it was okay because he came from meg and justins house! We walked to the rocks, and proceeded to not only smoke a bowl, but also drink vodka mixed with lemonade.. daring, for me, as i had never smoked before. My friends did, my boyfriend at the time did, but i was straight against myself doing it. I remember not liking it. I think that was the only time i have ever NOT enjoyed it. I told my dad, and didn't get in trouble.
The next time i smoked was months and months later. I was with a group of friends who Id known awhile, and we were going swimming, and I had money, they smoked, why didn't i buy some, and smoke with everyone?!
Except at that point, I'd never smoked from a pipe. They had to hold it for me, and explain how exactly to do it.
More months passed. I think by then I was almost 16. I was on anti- depresants, and Id brought them to school. my friends and i started to take them recreationally, and we would do cool things like clean our room, stay up all night, and oh yeah, get shaky and sick and throw up because our bodies couldnt take that much seratonin all at once. I never saw this as a big deal. we were all doing it, and talking to each other, so it was safe!!
By then, I was a pro at sneaking out. To walk around, to get high with friends, to go to friends houses, to hang out, and sleep with, boys. So much was going on in my life. Im not proud to admit it, but I slept with boys I wasn't dating. I thought I loved one, and we hung out almost every night for awhile. My friends knew he was bad news for me, and I remember one night for certain that they at least made an effort to stop me from making a bad choice.
it was a warm night, maybe during summer vacation, but i dont remember anymore. We went to the rocks and smoked out of a two liter popbottle. We were walking around, and walked downtown. Apparently, I sat on the side of the road, and then wanted to go home with cody. They walked him home, walked me home, said goodnight, and left. I immideatly called him, and he walked back. We had sex on the playgroud, and wrote our names in marker. (This play ground has since been torn down, and Im not gunna lie, I missed the memories it took with it)
Around the same time, I started hanging out with more people. I think I met Diane first. Her whole family smoked, and it was a normal thing for them. We got drunk and high for her birthday, and walked around town. It was the beginging of a crazier time in my life. I kept track of every time we got high, which at this point was maybe 15 times, I still wasn't very in to smoking.
Im not saying I was a junkie, but I took pills. All pills, any pills, whatever someone gave me. I traded two vikoden for some speed to a friends sister, and Diane and her brother and I would sit there and listen to music, or (they'd) play video games. It was fun.
Also during this era, I met allie. She lived across the street from me for two years before we knew the other existed. The first day we met, she got out of the hospital for trying to kill herself. After that, we were pretty inseperable.
Again, I need to state, this was a crazy time in my life.





 
 
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