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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
I've been thinking about what the "wedge" is between SM and I. I don't have an answer so much as many different possibilities that coalesce together at different times. I say "wedge" more because it's just me entering a frame of mind that distances me from him and I can read that it saddens him although he understands that it is not something that threatens the relationship. One facet that could be referenced is that this was, only a year ago, the time when AM and I were looking for an apartment and, perhaps, I am nervous about, perhaps, entering the same time period where I felt quite mad while living there. I'm so used to having my mood follow a natural flow of ups and downs that I've taught myself to regulate that I rather baulk at having to deal with the chance that those feelings should reemerge. I don't think that the helplessness can but I feel myself teetering on memories of what it felt like to be in that apartment the last two weeks. It was an absolute hole. I remember how AM accused me of portraying the apartment in a recent journal entry when I stated multiple times throughout the journal that it was a fear of mine that I should sit in a folding chair, staring at whitewashed walls and slowly go mad because I have no one to interact with. I suppose this time will be different. I would never have pictured myself as someone that is willing to live in a town because I thought it would be keen to walk everywhere and actually save some money. It was absolutely horrible being surrounded by city noise all day, every day, being surrounded by people, yet talking to absolutely no one, not even the person I was living with.

Another thought process I've entertained is that, for once, I feel like I want to share my life with someone and I'm at odds with my desire to harm myself to obtain temporary relief from life's stresses. It doesn't seem to really bother SM all that much because he has known people in my shoes and, according to him, my actions are relatively benign. I often catch a glint, here and there, of the idea that I can't say I value life if I resort to these actions. How can I say that he's someone I would never regret and go home, only to end up in the same hole that I dug for myself prior to my even knowing him. It is clear though, at the beginning of the relationship, that I put my desire to see him before my desire to spend hours running. It's somewhat like a past life I get reminded of randomly. Rather than spending hours running to attempt damage control over my vices, I choose to see him. The anxiety I felt when I had to miss a day of running because of alternative plans now rears its head when I get informed of last minute plans that would interfere with me seeing him. I wonder sometimes how much of it is love and how much of it is the transference of dependence. Then all of that evolves into me questioning whether it's respectable to be dependent on another person like that. I recognize that I might discover, in the future, that such an approach is unhealthy. I have a feeling like my dependence on him is not ebbing away. It is, however, absorbing anxiety from other spheres in life. On a usual playing field, I find that I don't hate interacting with my parents and have become patient, trying to overcome the language/translation barrier so that we're on the same page. This will not stop them from trying to impose their traditional life viewpoints on my relationship with SM but it would take the weight off of living here somewhat. After an incident with hard alcohol, I've been mentally put off by drinking anything stronger than wine. I find that I'm not looking for new vices. I'm merely trying to deal with one that burrowed deep into my behavior. I feel like the quality of the life that I have to offer is subpar to what I should be able to offer given the display of mental balance that SM provides. It's almost embarrassing that there's this glaring way that I don't even begin to match him on and the more attention I pay to it, the greater the chasm grows. I've been replacing rumination with questions that force me to be in the present with him (when I remember). I'd ask myself how I feel about him and to imagine how he feels at the moment. I'd remember that he's not settled in my thought processes and may feel abandoned or left out. I alternatively understand that what I've got to offer is inadequate and that I need to preserve what's actually there unless I truly wish to stop trying. I'm not a quitter and I won't let this get so far away from me that I'm helpless. It's odd being in a position where I actually want and need to work on something in order to keep a relationship healthy. If I don't, it's pretty clear that it would mean I lack respect, devotion, and desire for it. I don't understand where this recent lack of self esteem originated but if I managed to muster a spurt of confidence while I was searching for someone new to date over online websites, then I can reassemble that. I need to remind myself that being confident isn't synonymous with being blind to recognizing faults within yourself and working on them.

Another facet of what could be going on is just the fact that I'm constantly stunned by the depth of emotion that I'm feeling for SM. Thoughts and emotions I thought would be relegated to these pages feel right at home, in the open air, while I talk to him. I almost feel like I'm sharing dirty secrets with him constantly even with just benign proclamations of how I feel about him. Of course, this is only a surface area look at the many topics this idea can encompass but I feel like this last part is the least horrible to wait for time to fix. It might be odd that there's this random shyness after 4 months of dating but I feel like it'll be something I'll get used to after my wish for him to remain a permanent part of my life looks more and more like reality.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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