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We did a lot of talking, and she assuaged some of my fears.

It still hurts so ******** much knowing that she's out ******** other people, though. It hurts so much knowing that we're not together. It's going to take time for that to heal, and I don't know if I'll ever be okay with her ******** other people.. I really don't.

It's part of the reason why I wanted to just jump and start ******** other people too, so that I'd feel OK with it... because I was doing it too. It'd be a "SEE, I'M OK TOO. I'M OK WITH BEING BROKEN UP TOO!" like she is, but I just can't.

I know I can have casual sex, it's been offered and I've seriously considered it several times, only not accepting because of my "honor", which.. is hilariously stupid, but I would never want to hurt Chloe as well, so I'm glad I didn't. She acts fine, but I think it would hurt her if I started ******** other girls. I'm sure she'd act fine, but I'm betting it would hurt her.. because she says she still loves me.

It's hard for me to accept that she does, because in my mind if she loved me, she'd still be with me, right? I know it's not as easy as that, I know the world isn't as easy as that, but my mind is struggling with that idea. The idea of "doing what's best, not what you want" is so ******** hard. I've done it plenty of times, but it's never been this hard.

I know one of the reasons she gave me for ******** Barry was to "force me and her to accept that we were broken up", but all it really did was ******** hurt me. "I'm doing this because I don't want to hurt you", yet all its done is hurt me. /sigh

I'll never ******** understand it. I'm sure there's some greater reason, I'll just never ******** understand it. We always broke up in november, and I always get REALLY ******** weird around then, so it'll be interesting to see what I do while I'm single. Probably nothing, but who knows. Maybe not nothing.

I'm also still ******** pissed that no one seems to ******** follow any "laws of the universe".. just, general rules of how to not be shitty. Don't ******** your best friends ex, ever. Unless you're madly in love with him/her, and just can't imagine life without him/her, don't do it. It ******** hurts more than you'd ever know.

That's directed more towards Barry than anyone, because I'm still in shock that he did that to me. It hurt so badly because even though he's an idiot, he was still my childhood friend and I never thought our friendship would end.

Actually.. Iv'e always wondered what it'd take for it to finally end, the same with dating chloe. I've wondered why we would ever stop doing the podcast, and if it'd be because of personal issues. I always dismissed it in my head, because Barry would never do something to hurt me or cause me to not want to do the podcast with him, duh!

And then he did.

A question I ponder. Why did Jamie never offer one of HIS exes to Barry? If Jame is so holy and righteous, and cares so much about his friend, why not offer one of HIS exes to sate barry's sexual desire? Hmm, I wonder.

I also always wondered why chloe would finally leave me, 100%. Burn the open wound so it seals prematurely and another one can't regenerate from it. The answer was, she's just trying to improve herself, I guess. Trying to figure out her head, and get it all organized. She loves me and she wants to figure everything out. She's not happy with our relationship, and she's always wanted to see 'what else was out there'. I'll never forget her saying that, "I feel like I jumped into a serious relationship too young. I'm not ready for this."

I guess she's out there finding her answers. I hope she finds happiness, honestly. Part of me wants to be selfish and say, 'SHE'LL FIND OUT THAT I'M ALL SHE NEEDS!" but that's idiotic of me. She'll find whatever she's looking for, and she'll be a better person for it. It doesn't matter how much it hurts me, because this isn't about me, this is about her, and I need to stop being selfish and only considering myself.

This journal though, this is all for me. I know I can't keep talking about all of this to Chloe. I know she's going to burn out, and then I'm going to shut down because she's going to snap at me, and I don't want to shut down. I just keep going through emotions.

I keep hurting, and it hurts so goddamn much. It's not even a WOW ******** YOU pain, it's a ******** soul ache. It's a deep, deep, primal pain. My soul ******** hurts, and I can feel it thorugh my entire body. It feels like someone ripped me in half.

I need to remember that I'm vulnerable and on the rebound right now, too. I actually had an online friend offer herself as a romantic partner, simply because "I'm cute", and she wants to get to know me better. She lives in the Dallas area, and so as a romantic partner, it'd actually work quite well, but .. I don't want her. I want Chloe.. whom made it very clear we're never dating again. Crystal clear, actually. She wrote that s**t in diamonds.

Well, okay. she didn't write it in diamonds, but she ******** phrased it in such a way, that there was an arcane take to it. The universe and our fate now knows, we'll never get back together. Ever. It's what she wanted, to never date again, and so we will never date again.

Not in my mind, atleast. All hope is lost, and there's nothing left but to drown in sorrow and temporary comforts.

I'm giving myself time, though. I'm not going to mess with alice right now, I think she was just offering because we used to play Divinia together, and we were super close friends back then. She just doesn't want to see me sad.

Or hell, maybe she does have feelings for me, and I was just never available. I don't know. I do know that jumping into a relationship, even a casual one would be a very bad idea. MAYBE I'LL GO CASUALLY BANG HER THO ;D

(I won't)

It does make me feel kind of better to have someone interested, atleast. It makes me feel like I won't be alone forever. Hell.. I might give her a shot. I don't know.