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Here I am again. Writing. Though, this time, I'm not writing with sweat running down my brow or tears from my eyes. Rather, this time, I'm writing because I'm happy. Happy, just genuinely happy, about how today went and how everything turned out for me. Happy that I have things going for me despite that intense desire to have you instead.

And then with you passing in my mind, I recall the fact that you weren't just there anymore. Rather, summoned by myself to recount and remember. Why? Because I love you? Why remind myself that I've failed and I can't have you no longer?

My mind dizzily wonders back to earlier today, about Ally and Sheldon. They, finally, broke up and I can't be anymore gleeful for her. Why? She just finished Year Up and she stands on this pillar of change for herself. It's so empowering and beautiful to know that I had my hand in this. What struck me though, was her emotions and how she felt about the whole thing. Happy yet sad. Happy to have left such a person who couldn't treat her right for three years... Yet sad that she was losing such memories and someone she really wanted to be around (At certain times)

Without a word to her, listening in, did I think of you in my mind. And what soured my heart and made my tongue bleak with anger, was telling her that not seeing him was what was best for her. That she needed to be alone and maybe some day, far away day, they could talk once more. That he was just an over-grown man child that didn't understand what he just threw away, demanding answers after immediately hurting someone.

Am I the same to you? Do you feel exactly the same about me? If so... Then let me tell you that I am sorry for acting as such. It's hard to act mature when you're so filled with emotion and you just don't want to lose everything you've learned to appreciate and love. Here's a list of what I am completely sorry for:

Sorry for saying so much and giving so little
How I promised you the world and all the stars... Yet I gave so little. I wish I could have given so much more, but I was fooling you and myself... I have little to offer anyone. I just wish the little that I did give you would at least be memories of my effort rather than deceit.

Sorry for giving you a glass-filled love
How vain of me to think you'd keep loving me with all of my mistakes... Thinking that swearing my love to you whilst screwing another behind your back was any where remotely the way I should have been... I shouldn't have given you such a half-assed love.

Sorry for making you feel like I lied the entire time
I think I feel the worst about this... Constantly trying to fight for you trust JUST so I could break it. I don't know what the hell was/is wrong with me... But I will find out and solve it for myself and future relationships with anyone/everyone else.

In this rather long sorry, I know that it might not mean anything at all. Well, it's for me. A sorry to myself that I was a complete ******** up to you and that I had really lost someone who meant everything to me, depriving myself of the joys and happiness of being with you. Of course, I do mean sorry to you as well... Just as I mentioned earlier, you may not even care for it.

After finally getting this far, I finally realized the most important thing: That holding on and trying to demand this final chat... Has done nothing for either of us except drive each other away. Such a foreign yet surreal thought and... I have to admit that it's true. So, in order to truly show the strength of my love, I want to write this directly to you:

Be Happy. Be Happy and enjoy your life with whomever/whatever/however you decide. Live it to the fullest and live it with that beautiful smile of yours that you've always shown me. Be. Happy. That is what I've always wanted (I wanted to be that happiness... but it's clear I can't be).

I love you, Stephanie. I will not try and hold on to anger or ill will, the ideas of forcing a reunion or you returning so soon into my life... I just want you to be truly happy.