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------I wrote about this in another entry way back of this reoccurring dream of mine. Click here for that link to the entry. Usually I can fend off nightmares, because no one else is more powerful in my dreams other than me. I usually warp time and space. I usually cast and bend all the elements of the dream world and use it against my enemy. I usually summon armies of einherjars and daemons to fight along side me. But I can't do all that when the nightmare itself is based on guilt. I feel as if it is a curse mark spawning from my solar plexus, crawling its way up to my heart and my neck to suffocate me in my sleep. I forget to breathe and the necessity and yearning of oxygen forces me to gasp for air and breathe; kicking me out of my dreams in the process. I feel powerless against it, like superman against green kryptonite.

------But this guilt is a person. In which I've explained the whole premise the other entry. The first few dreams with him weren't so bad. I'd remember the old days and the struggles we went through together. And then he'd drop the bomb on me when I least expect it. Like that one dream:

------We were walking down 145th to go the rehearsal studio where we used to go. He is a projection of my memories, of how we used to be.

------A girl from high school come's out of nowhere and ask: "Oh when are you guys preforming again?"

------"We would if it weren't for someone," He says.

------Knowing the truth it was his fault, we messed up that day. But the shame and guilt of the revenge I masterminded rushes out my solar plexus, seizing my throat and heart again. Revenge gets you nowhere, so I knew exactly where those words were being directed at. I drop down to the ground, my head on the rough concrete pavement. I feel its sharp grooves over my forehead. I'm pressing my head so hard against it that my forehead is bleeding. I beg for forgiveness. Its the only thing I can do at this point.

------"I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you somehow," I repeat that line over and over, through other dreams as well.

------I feel his foot on the back of my head, I feel the rage of his words as he presses his weight against my skull.

------I woke up in that point. I'm pretty sure I've cried in my sleep a couple of times because of this. My best friend would always wake me up and ask me if I'm alright. I'll tell him that its fine, "just" a bad dream.

------The one I had last night was worse. Somehow my whole family got involved. They tried to protect me. My best friend tried to protect me as well. But for some reason he had a moltov, and he burned everything and everyone I love down into ashes and embers. And for some reason I was alive. I couldn't fight back because of the guilt. And I'm pretty sure he is embodying all the guilt that I've been harboring because when he speaks, its not just his voice I hear. I hear Liana's voice. I hear Nesha's, Rodney's, Jessica's, and I even hear my mother's voice in there.

I have serious guilt issues, Seriously. I can't write anymore. Everything is too heavy to bear at the moment. Thanks for reading I guess. This is Anikacy, signing off