I frequently change... or try to.
I have this person in my head, this wonderful person I see myself as, but I can't quite get her out and keep her out.
I'm really insecure, well I'm securely insecure. I have my days. I'm manic depressive, have high anxiety and what a counselor described as a mild schizophrenia. It's embarrassing. Sometimes I can't function and it's just ridiculous, it annoys me to absolutely no end that sometimes I just can't make my mind stop, however irrational the thoughts are. I know they're irrational, I know they aren't really true, but they don't stop. It ends in some sort of manic episode. Stupid. I really hate not having control over it. I feel it's a waste of time. I have more important things to deal with.
It gets to the point that if I am grocery shopping and see my reflection, I panic and end up rushing to the bathroom to try and stop from panicking so no one sees what's happening. How do I stop that? I don't want to be put back on medicine because the side-effects were worse.
I try to be the person I used to be before I was broken but it seems that everytime I bring her out, and the episodes slow down or occur less frequently, something drags me back in. What's stupid is it could be a smell that contains a bad memory. Like what am I supposed to do? Never smell? Never listen to music? Anything can contain a memory, a time period, anything.
Like right now, I can't even contain all the thoughts to type out. I call them the bees. It feels like a bee hive, that contains too many bees to fit in my head and they're in a panic and stinging and fluttering and it's nonsense.
How do I go back to me? How do I kill the bees?
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Milkshake Wishes and Cheeseburger Dreams.
Just a little thing that I will use to express my thoughts.
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