I always seem to have a lot to say or get out when I am away from Gaia..
Anywho; I'm kind of tired of being the reliable one.
The reliable friend.
The reliable worker.
The reliable person.
The reliable daughter.
Let me explain, first starting with the reliable friend. I am a reliable person, but not to the right people. They consider me a friend but don't treat me as such. They call upon me when they need me, but aren't there when I need them, or when I just need anyone. Is it selfish of me to want someone to be there for me, whom I'm there for at the drop of a hat? I have people I can rely on, who also rely on me and that I do not mind. But when I put so much effort into a friendship and constantly get replaced and put on the backburner, why do I stick around and jump when they need me?
As for the reliable worker. I'm on time, I do my job- well and I do what is asked of me with no complaint. At least if I have a complaint it's not to anyone's face who can use it against me. It's really hard on me to have to be at work the earliest because my coworkers can not. and I have to stick around the longest and do the most because I'm the reliable one. I would like to sleep in just once or twice. I would like to have an easy day. I'm completely floundering in life and can't hold myself together long enough to complete a task anyway, I just need a break.
The reliable person. People whom I don't consider friends,or were never my friends, they are in groups of people that have nothing to do with me, call upon me for something because they know I will do the task efficiently and that I will actually do the task, even if I do not have time to do much else or I will put aside what I wanted to do instead. For example, my boyfriend was active in a fraternity. I am not the sorority type but found myself swarmed by them. When they have to paint banners or do something for the guys, I'm the first to call. But they're the first to turn their backs on me, talk about me and not put any effort into what I would like. The pretenders.
The reliable daughter. This has the most weight. Oddly enough I was NOT the favorite growing up. I wasn't the oldest, and most days I felt like they didn't care about me, but that's another story. I'm the only kid who is succeeding in college. Some tried, they dropped out, some went just to get free shopping money from the government and dropped out, some had druggie babies (another on the way). And then theres me. Driven to succeed and get as far away from those who wronged me. I'm also the child they call upon to know that I will do what they ask. I will come home to visit and do chores and do them well. I will spend time with them, I will constantly be in contact with them, etc. I rely on my parents as well, so it's kind of an even exchange, but now it's not like I'm trying to succeed for myself, I'm trying to succeed to ensure that I remain the favorite. Is that ridiculous or what? I don't now why I feel this way.
I'm on the fence about everything, I can't make decisions and I am the biggest walking contradiction you would probably ever come across. I just wish I could catch a break. What I want, is to get a job evenly between my two sets of parents, that way I can visit both but I'm safe enough distance away that I won't know anyone from high school or college and I can be me. I can be whoever I want. I can reinvent myself and be the person I used to be, before I was broken.
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Milkshake Wishes and Cheeseburger Dreams.
Just a little thing that I will use to express my thoughts.
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