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I do not forgive. I do not forgive.
I think this to myself repeatedly. It wasn't until I met a large group of people some time ago with their own issues, anti-social behaviors, and obsessions to log that I've widened my paradigm. I still do not forgive by my own accord. I am pressured to forgive by a remembrance of spiritual doctrine every Sunday morning, or more immediately, encouragement and reasoning from whosoever I've claimed as a partner at that time. I know when to pester for a desired response or impression, and when it's a lost cause.
When something is lost, I stick around for the ride, but for it to stretch out weeks? No. How dull, how boring. To harass the same person on a variety of platforms? How utterly listless. Much different from observing and cataloging. And in the tangible realm, I continue to observe and make mental note. I may even make threats. What I do online I would not shy away from doing offline so long as it does not rely on anonymity to proceed. I was never someone to care, but I have always been someone who likes to make it seem as if I care a great deal. It makes things interesting for me.
But I am still learning to forgive. I am bitter, but not as bitter as some of the poor men and women I've crossed. No, I'm less bitter and more bats in the belfry. I'm less bitter and more of a "bully" to use the playground term. I'm less bitter and more angry.
Yes, I'm an angry man. My anger is a quiet anger. I lose all expression in my face and react, people have told me, since I don't usually recall much of how I feel in or immediately after the moment. I am tall and lean but well-toned, so I intimidate and subconsciously use it to my advantage. I can sort of reason when I'm still half-way there. I can listen to your side of the story, but my responses will be limited to a binary of acceptance or dismissal, and then it is "my turn."
Yeah, I'm angry. I'm angry, I'm mad. I am slow to get to it, and I usually laugh at others who become so at a rate quicker than I, but when I get angry it's no ******** joke, and I stop pretending I'm some sort of gentleman and I become a silent brute. Yes, that's it. That's the difference. I'm most talkative when I'm off-put, I'm confrontational when I'm annoyed, and I'm gone when I'm angry. How bad. How bad of me. I'm bad. I need to learn to forgive, Verona. Then maybe I'll not have half the troubles I do.
Thine Wicht · Sun Apr 19, 2015 @ 03:52pm · 0 Comments |
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