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One problem even I can't escape is my body's need to sleep. Lately, it's become an even bigger problem than ever before. I'd be so bold as to say that.
Lately, I've had incredibly little free time. I come home, and have about an hour or two for relaxation, but then I am completely occupied, and unable to do anything, usually until it's time to go to sleep. I haven't been able to do anything, from playing video games to studying. Lately, so much has cropped up in my mind that I can't get it all figured out. I have a lot of my mind. College, and moving. I planned to move to Texas, maybe even as early as this year. But I don't know if that will happen. I might end up staying here, in North Carolina for a while longer, and eventually moving back to California. But I'm not sure how all of that will spin out.
The clock is absolutely laughing in my face. Night before last, I lost sleep. Last night I lost sleep. And tonight, when I need to sleep, it's two hours past bedtime and my insomnia is driving me insane. Didn't have a good night. I spent all my time in the same way as I have been lately. But, it didn't provide me with any good feeling, just a lot of restlessness, and ultimately, the opposite of good feeling. Then, all of a sudden, it's bedtime. Just like that, whole night gone. I didn't get to do anything. I got to talk to some friends for about 30 minutes. I hope they're having a better time of it than me.
I'm in a rut. I do roughly the same thing every day, not including my writing. I haven't written in months, because I'm training and studying, shaping myself into the writer I'll be for the rest of my life. But, I haven't been able to study lately. Much less look into music. Because, in the blink of an eye, it's always bedtime. And don't even think about eating into sleep hours to get things done- my body will smite me to hell for that, and will be absolutely worthless to me for an entire day. Then, when I come home to get things done, I'll be too exhausted to think straight or do anything. But, ironically, I'll also be unable to sleep, and stuck in a terrible limbo of numb, annoyed static, exhausted and restless, somehow at the same time.
Almost every night as I am trying to fall asleep, I can't believe it's already bedtime, and I can't be sure if I'll end up being able to sleep. I can never shake the feeling that I wasted all of my time today. Today, I have that feeling, particularly strongly. I feel like today was eaten by a giant nothing, and I'll never get it back. I don't feel good about today at all, it's just another day of wasted time. I didn't benefit from today. And I'll never get it back. Tomorrow, I have all the time in the world. But, because it's already so late and I can't sleep, I'll probably be too exhausted to appreciate my free time, and drunk with fatigue. But tomorrow, I'm not wasting any time. Soon as I get home, I'm spending all my time doing everything I've missed out on lately, everything fun, and everything productive. Simple things to complicated things. Of course, last time I got the chance to do that, my internet went out literally all night, totally randomly, and I was stuck with all the free time in the world, and still unable to do the things I wanted; the worst thing, cosmically, that could have happened that night regarding my free time. Watch it happen again tomorrow night. Just watch. I don't believe in god and I don't believe in karma. But the rate at which things go wrong lately is just so astounding, it's almost as if it weren't an accident, as if some destructive force were fighting against me.
Lately, I'm stuck in this rut.