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Words, they're what I give

So, I've lost my friends. I'm probably the laughing stock of most of your friends. I can't go back to them because I burnt my bridges. I have said things I can't take back. I have made threats, I've expressed hate, anger and my desire for release. They were people I've known for years. They knew most of my secrets. They were people who made me laugh. They probably don't care about me any more and they certainly won't want to hear from me any more.

It's not like it matters. This place is full of drama, unlike my life offline, where friends stick to me like glue. I've lost them for various reasons. Some were because they didn't understand me and it got to me - they were stressing me out constantly. Friends don't that. Some, I've lost, because of you. But I don't care. I'd rather lose them than lose you. Losing you is possible, but it's horrible. I don't want to miss out being yours and I don't want to miss out on you being mine. I don't want to miss out on those things we said we'd do.

But I speak too much of tomorrow. It gets to you and I wish it didn't. Speaking too much of tomorrow kills tomorrow. But I'm not with you for tomorrow. I'm with you, here, because of how you make me feel. I've told millions of times how I feel and you sometimes say that every time I do say it, it makes your heart skip. I don't think that's true, because I could say anything in the world to you at times, and it wouldn't change a thing. I'm not sure how you work. I don't think you know how you work. It pisses me off.

Lots of things annoy me now. It annoys me that so many people are trying to drive us apart, and sometimes, you let them succeed. I feel like my love doesn't mean much to you, when you get angry and get so close to throwing it all away again. It annoys me that you would say that you're "done caring" when minutes before you were saying that you love me.
The worst part of it all, the part that does more than annoy me, the part that hurts me, is that I trusted you. I trusted you. I would say and explain that I got jealous and worried. I told you that I trust you but I didn't trust them, because I know that guys would try things with you. You were the one I trusted while I was worried they would try things. That was why I was worried and jealous.

But I was wrong. You were the one who would start things, not just them. And it really hurts because at the times you started things, you were also saying that you love me. You would say that you love me, then go do things with other guys. It means very little to you, I understand that.

But why did you get so angry when I told you that I did it with people? Why did you get angry if it means nothing to you? Why did you get angry when I did with people when you and I were no longer talking? I never did it when I said that I love you. I never did it when you were there for me. I never did it when you were saying you were mine. I never did it when we were in love, even when you were dating one of those guys. I never did it when we were a thing. I only did it when you or I pushed each other away.

It hurts. It really does. I can't trust you any more, and if I can't trust you, I can't trust anyone at all.


You're the girl I would laugh about all of this with. And if you were doing all that and telling me, I don't think I would have mined as much as I do now. Did you enjoy all of it? Will you compare me to them? They even sent pictures... Will you compare me to those pictures?

I shouldn't worry about those stupid things. I know I can please people, that's not my concern. I just had trust. That's all.

But I shouldn't be surprised. We live in a society that invented gladiator fights, that invented rape, ******, sexism, phone-sex, racism, war and all kinds of insane things. We live in a society that breeds sociopaths and weirdos. I'm not saying you're weird or a sociopath. Although, that would explain a lot of things. I'm just saying that this world is ******** up and I hate it. This world tells us that having lots of sexual partners is fun and good. It tells us that kids do stupid things. It tells us that teenagers ******** around and have teenage romance, that is supposedly different to adult romance. It tells us that guys are strong, sex seeking beasts while women are beautiful creatures that have sexual desires. It tells us that it's okay for men to "slap a hoe" when they cheat or when they tiny mistakes. It tells us to treat women like "bitches." It artificializes love by putting into BDSM books or plain songs. It makes it seem cute that some guys ******** lots of stupid women and then settle down with one smart one. And that word, ********. How messed up is that we use the same word to describe the act of making love and the act of causing great violence to something or something. If a guy in a down alley says "I'm gonna' ******** you up", to me, I'm going to have to ask him "I need more details on what you mean by that."

Imagine a world where people took love seriously. Imagine a world where sex was something you did with lovers. Imagine a world where trust wasn't something that was this rare. Imagine a world where there were songs about love, making families, being happy and not about making money and "******** bitches." Imagine a world where talent was about art and not about fake butts and breasts. Imagine a world where TV told us that teenagers are actually very sentimental and intelligent people, people in touch with reality and with a yearning to learn. It doesn't though. It tells us that teenagers are stupid and ******** around. So teenagers do what teenagers are told.

I've made a mistake though. I made one mistake, because I did it once, out of love and I actually felt bad about it directly after. I had to shove that person away and explain to them that I didn't want them. From then on? I did it for what I, at least thought, was love. I haven't done it with anyone I haven't thought that I loved for about eight months.

I'm changing, I feel it. I have been, I'm getting stronger and I have more self control. I'm ******** up less and less. We both need to change. We both need to change because I don't think we should break this off. I believe that if we stay together, it would be a great feeling for us both to say "Yeah, we were close to ******** up, but we stayed. We did what had to do and said what we had to say, and in the end, we're only the ones for each other. " Because, I love you. I do.

I love you. I love you so much. And remember when I came back? You said you were going to change. Then that idiot tried to ******** things up. You're still trying to change, I think. Unless you really meant that you have stopped caring.... Meh.
I hope you didn't mean that. I really hope you can change.




What will people think of us? Will it matter? I've always thought that the ideal love is a kind of of connection that sets two minds apart from everyone else - in the sense, a world could be crashing around them and they would still remain in love. People can call you what they want and think what they like of you and I both, it matters little. Maybe one day we'll both be laughing at them all, knowing they don't have what we have. A love that is unchallenged and that can't be broken, a love that is undivided, requited, and loyal. A love that is stimulating, that cares not for the hate of others and that isn't influenced who we used to be and not by who we're going to be. A love that is in the moment, a love that is in the now. A love that we miss, that we speak of to those who probably won't care. A love that is a simple melody and symphony. A love that says "******** you" to all who oppose it, including in it's own problems. A love that fixes it's self, with time or with feelings and words. A love you can care about, and that I dream about.