|
|
|
I was kinda...sad...both yesterday and today.
It's 8:38pm, and I'm tired...and I want to go to sleep, but this needs to happen (and I need to eat stressed ). I have been less than unproductive for the past few days and it's due to me having a lot on my mind.
I wasn't able to have sex with Rob on Sunday because of my issues back there. We had sex twice on Saturday and it was fine. I think it was fine because I thoroughly prepared for it and through that process everything probably loosened up and was ready to handle entry...maybe by Sunday everything tightened up, or through sex it created some sort of sore. I dunno, but it did put a damper on my confidence that I wasn't able to give my man what he wanted. That I was feeling a little insecure about my problem and disturbed about it's cause. I really can't wait to be completely done with Gordon.
Today I felt sad because of a conversation Rob and I had yesterday. It started with me asking about his DR trip in March. Then he was basically telling me about all the trips he's going on and I had a bit of an issue because I feel like I invite him on most of my trips and tell him about them, and he doesn't do the same. Then I asked him, shouldn't be start traveling together and his response turned snide and was a long the lines of I live my life, he lives his and things are going good this way so let's just keep it like this. I shut down a little bit inside after that. We went to Chili's afterward and he could tell something was wrong, but I didn't say.
We later talked about it on the phone and I told him that our ideal relationships differ with him wanting partners to do everything together as one unit and me still wanting to have my life. Basically, my point was all about delivery with him. If you're going on trips when it's just friends and no sig others, that is 1000% fine, great, amazing....just tell me and that would be just fine. Act like you want me around, act like you want me to be apart of your life. It's almost like I'm trying to build to marriage, and he's...just not.
Just a few minutes everything kind of fell to shyt with Rob doing the same shyt he always does. Bringing up old s**t. He brought up Rick, yesterday he brought up Kileeo, he brought up the Marlon underwear thing, he brought up when I was messing with Alex six years ago, he brought up when I went to LA pride and all of that came with half-truths and made up parts of the story as well and of course we hung up the phone with no resolution. He simply said, I'ma talk about it as much as I want to talk about it...you don't control me.
To be honest, at that moment I was very disappointed. I felt like everything he said that night in front of Houlihans'....when I was crying my eyes out in the misting rain..and he came over and wiped my tears under the moonlight...everything he said was a lie. I wanted to remain hopeful that he really was changing...that he really did mean what he said...and that we would finally be moving forward...but I see deep down inside that I was right. I mean, he couldn't even last two weeks into the new year before starting up.
Yeah, my heart is broken...broken in the same way that it usually is when we having conversations like that...but in a different way too. I feel like a heartfelt promise was broken. I feel like my tears meant literally nothing in that moment because his words weren't true. And he loves to do this right before I'm due for treatment. Ie, last time he gave me an ultimatum but I obliged, but he cut me off the Tuesday before. I told him 1/31 and here he goes with the bullshit. Something told me...a few days ago I was really feeling like he wasn't going to be there like he said he would be or that I needed him to be with this treatment and these appointments. Even when I told him the date...I just felt....like....part of it didn't matter. I just don't know.
He just doesn't get it. I say that he's hurting me, his response is that he's just stating facts. What the ********? I tell you that something that you're doing is hurting me and you keep doing it? It's not fair that every time he has an issue with something I'm doing I go out of my way to stop it but he doesn't....
I'm tired of talking about it. Anyway, on Friday I'm trying to get my Pennsylvania license and on Saturday I'ma see if Capital One 360 can help me with a bank verification which they probably won't. It's fuking retarded to have me go to a bank and have the bank call them.
And I'm probably not going to LA in July for the 4th. It's Black Gay Pride...and Rob doesn't think it's appropriate for me to be going to prides without him. I somewhat agree, but it's whatever.
Long story short...I'm very hurt...very disappointment...and I felt ike a promise of Love was literally broken.
Music: "Vanishing (Live rehearsal @ SNL)" - Mariah Carey from Mariah Carey Music(2): "Casualities" - Brandy Music(3): "Brokenheart (remix)" - Brandy & Wanya Morris from Brandy Music(4): "Broken Promises" - Dawn & Q Music(5): "Impossible" - Shontelle
Ryonosuke · Wed Jan 14, 2015 @ 02:14am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|