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My Book
I've been writing in this since I was thirteen in 2007. I still am writing in it, and it will probably be my legacy till the day I die. (Don't start reading from the beginning as my writing was atrocious then.)
"******** it"
------I feel weird. Weird as in I feel like i may have matured a little bit, but in the end not really. Its like having an epiphany over something that you already knew, and just had forgotten. Its like that subtle shock and awe, for everything and everyone around me. I feel weird in a way that a part of me just wants to end it all now, not because I'm tired of living and this world doesn't need me. But just like the stars and universe that's out there, I'm allured by death and the mysteries that lie on the afterlife. I'm not even sure if there is one, but Its that curiosity that's compelling me. Albeit there are some factors that are making me feel this way, such as the insignificance of myself to the greater work, and the fact that I'm afraid to love. Maybe I wanna die because I feel like it's transcending. That when I die, I feel as I'm returning the energy and matter back into the universe, back to the greater works out there. I'd become one with everything, and become a part of the universe again, to where we all once came from. It's a silly reason to want to die right? Like I wanna become a part of something bigger, but I feel that being alive inhibits me to do so. I believe that when people die, they go back to the universe and be immortal. Maybe I wanna become entropy myself.

------But the things that stop me are these connections I form. I feel as if I'm tethered to them from these bonds, even if its just a simple act of kindness, such as saying "have a great day" to the people that I care for. The only thing inhibiting me to end myself, are these social links I have with people. And since I'm so good at cutting off people from my life apparently, maybe one day I'll fully disconnect myself to the social world, and ascend into the universe. But lately I found myself missing people to be honest, missing friendships. I often doubt myself if I'm doing the right thing in letting people go. But its for the better right? They never needed me in the first place so its okay. And I have been building bridges with positive people, who inspire and what not. But just like what she said, its kinda taxing due to the high energy output, and sometimes It makes me just wanna give up.

------I find myself thinking about her actually. And even though I love her... I'm ******** up and twisted because the status quot of the social order is to only love one person. And because of that I'm a monster who loves playing with peoples feelings. But I can write about my distaste for the overbearing suffocation of only loving one person on another entry. I find myself saying "I wanna go home" even though I'm home, maybe that's me wanting to die and be one with the world and matter again. ******** it all!

Thanks for reading, this is Anikacy, who can't sleep properly again.





 
 
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