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Kel's Random Thoughts
Random Thoughts
Warning: Whining post!
I realise that this is a rather morbid post so by all means if negativity and/or morbid stuff is something you want no part of, hit your back button now.

I've finally come to realise that I honestly hate my life. While there is much I would love to do to change it I am now at a point where I cannot afford to give up a full-time job in order to go back and study for any length of time. As most of you who know me are aware I am now 27 so studying part-time is out of the question too unless I want to still be working on it well into my 40's by which time there is little point in claiming a life for yourself as I'm sure anyone with children will tell you (no I do not have children yet).

Each time I consider what I have done with my life I realise that I've spend the better part of my 27 year helping everyone else with all their problems. In my life time I have (and I use the word loosely) saved three people from committing suicide. I have helped countless other reconcile their lives and a small handful with their relationship/marriage problems and yet at this point in time I see absolutely no value or point in keeping my own existence afloat. I understand that the things I have done for others in their time of need may have done worlds for them and their lives. I understand that I may give boundless amounts of happiness and joy to those I associate with day-to-day but to what end? I cannot continually live as a happiness vampire or leech.

Now I'm sure by now most of you are advising I seek professional help but when most aspects of my life are a matter of disgust to myself what chance to I honestly have. I'd be wasting my time and the time of the elected professional. I don't need to be told how much joy I bring to others, I don't need to be reminded how much I have helped everyone else to better themselves or their relationships and how much that means to them. That doesn't help me.

With the help of a dear friend of mine I have at least begun to understand why I am not exactly good at keeping partners. Or at least a part of it. I know those of you who have read my previous journal posts may opt to point the finger at my partners for what has happened but I'm not about to go and say I'm a perfect human being. I do enjoy learning more of how others perceive me. So I guess that is something.

At any rate. Have I considered ending my life? Bluntly the answer is yes. Do I have any reason what-so-ever not to? No, I do not. Will my immediate loved ones suffer? I'm positive they will, but the bottom line is they have given me a fantastic life and play no part in my decision. If anything I should be thanking them for keeping me positive and showing me their support for so long. Honestly, I owe them more than I am ever capable of repaying.

Guess that's all I have to throw out there for today. To anyone with severe depression, anxiety or any other psychological problems please contact your national support lines.


Beyond Blue (AU) - 1300 22 4636





 
 
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