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WHAT THE ******** AND THROW IN THE ******** KITCHEN SINK! |
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had a pretty retarded year I'm damned if I do damned if I don't... My money is being sunk into a broken down vehicle, my dog is still a Spaz and a house terror, my lover is distant, insecure, and reclusive not physically but mentally. The weight of stress is showing and it irritates me. Then there's this life style I forced myself to live... living with my lover and my lovers Dad in his house. which I obviously someone would have a problem with I try not to let it bother me but no matter what I do Dy seems so ******** content about it and is not motivated enough to ******** make a move. so my daily routine goes as follows every ******** day, of this ******** year I go to work I come home late, I watch a few movies, draw for an hour go to sleep go to work. I buy my own food necessities and what not and keep to myself in this hellish room. Recently since Dy's twin was smart enough to fly the nest our living quarters has expanded to a ******** two bedroom a bathroom and a hallway for the dog one personal wing of the house. Dy seems to be content about this living arrangement but I'm not... I don't take pride in saying I live with my fiances folks. Not to ******** proud of the fact I just turned 24 a few days ago and already feel like a ******** looser staying here so damn long. But I'm stuck, All my money is spent on is food, gas, this ******** car and whats left is spent on (recently anyways) medical copay's broken s**t on my vehicle repairing something or something Dy wants. I'm frustrated my account is constantly zero or pretty damn close to it. Dy has no ******** sense when it comes to preserving funds and I can maintain a constant 500 which eventually gets sucked into a ******** emergency cost for example one of my ******** ultrasound tests or a ******** tooth being pulled or prescription glasses I need to ******** see straight. and I look at this ring on my finger not as a token of love but a ******** joke. Its not even paid off yet Dy bought the ring out on a loan why the ******** give it to me if its not paid off? I sound harsh but its true if its not paid off then why give it to someone? makes me feel cheap, when I found out how much they were the other day It made me even more angry. Dy will take forever to pay that off but I'm not planning on waiting a ******** 3 years from now to leave this goddamn house. I'll raise the funds and pay it off the rings myself then both our credit cards then force what little is left of my funds on my car and car insurance. I'm a lead sales rep an assistant manager at a very wealthy company that treats their coworkers like s**t but thats an other conversation. I know the in's and out's of contracts, loans, deals, advances, finances, you name it. so when I see Dy do such stupid things I cant help but to get heated I keep it to myself mind you but its like we're struggling as it is. last thing I want to pay is interest or "tax" on a ******** piece of metal we could be without. I don't understand where Dy's funds go either I don't inquire about money, bank accounts, or anything we keep that separate. I even regret combining a physical piggy bank with Dy just because I'll look in it and there's dollar bills missing or quarters gone and next thing I know I go in to count the cash accumulated and all the ******** bills are missing hell makes me want to throw the whole safe at him and say take it! Are you struggling that bad you have to dip into our combined saving and not even ******** tell me until I find out? I'll continue to keep my funds separated completely that's fine. I don't work to put extra change in your pocket. I'm here to gain my own financial value and to possibly work with you on a similar goal to better our lives but if your not going to take it seriously and steal from the ******** savings no... not playing take the rest of it and keep the ******** out of my pocket I'm done playing this ******** game. I can guess where Dy's money goes I know Dy buys the pet supplies just because every time I look at their food bowls they're full. so I can see where that goes and possibly Dy's Dad is bleeding his bank account dry to pay for "their" ******** house what a ******** joke. As soon as his dad says I need to pay for the mortgage I duck out into the other room. this is not my house nor my responsibility the mortgage was between him and his wife sorry your wife left you but your kids shouldn't be taking responsibility for what was between you and her. He is the reason we probably don't have a ******** place of our own right now, I'm here out of the "goodness of his heart" but its more of an eternal death wish dealing with the bull crap I have to deal with every ******** time I have a day off. he bitches about the house being a mess (but doesn't clean it until its really ******** bad I'm not cleaning up after lazy people anymore except myself and DY sorry) bitches when its clean (oh s**t a single cup is on the counter that's full of coffee I am currently sipping on) bitches about bills (Dy's problem not touching that s**t I'll take care of Dys expenses but I'm not touching those ******** bills because its ******** retarded what is demanded from us nothing is split evenly and what it costs us is unfair) so Dy pays for that bullshit and I pay for what ever Dy wants. The one thing I cannot stand is when Dy is not home and I just happen to have a single day off to relax and do d**k all, this is the s**t I hate hearing and I know Dy's Dad says it because he knows I hate hearing it and he knows I cant say s**t back. he'll invite one of his little sluts over this one not even half as good looking as his wife and talks about how he can never get things done he then yells down the hall in my direction while I'm cleaning up our side of the house we live in. "If someone would pay the BILLS once in a while and actually cleaned up around here then maybe I'll be able to get some ******** things done around here." what a ******** hot shot. Dy pays the bills yet your still hungry for more hm? Suck-My-d**k! Your not getting a red cent from me mother ********. I rather sleep in my car wait a pay check and get myself a shitty city loft for 500 a month then pay you. Why don't I move out sounds like you can afford it huh? because I wouldn't be able to afford utilities without a roommate and the one I have eyes for clearly is scared to fly the ******** nest because of Daddy issues. My job doesn't pay me enough for me to be on my own and alone. I do have one more candidate if I ever chose to have a roommate but I don't want to go that route again. I don't want someone to hate me or vise versa for their skeletons in their closet or demons they cannot control if I was in Canada (I say this quite often) ******** yeah I'll move in with my friends in a heart beat but that's because we've lived with each other our whole lives, we grew up together, know everybody's secrets saw past the baggage and the hardships we all had to go through being who we were in the status we were born into and worked through it as a team so its different. Over here the American friends I had recently would snap have a fight and drop you on your a** so quick its like what the ******** just happened? They leave you in a heartbeat and are too self absorbed in their own little world to even ******** apologize for their wrong doings or take responsibility for their actions even when you come to them and be the bigger person and say lets try again. That's not the friendship I want, I want loyalty, I want fairness a give and take friendship, love, and someone to say "Hey man I got your back" but not one immediate friend I have made in America has said that... nor has put in the effort in to stay connected. I don't want to feel like "that other friend" nor do I want Dy to go through the same crap he was being taken advantage of till I got here from the same ******** cunts that he's too sweet to say no to. you know the one I'm talking about the "fail safe friend" that you need just in case your "cool" friends say ******** you. you'll make fun of this "other friend" till your cool friends dump you then you seek out this "other friend"for "companionship" cause your too much of a ******** coward to stand the silence of your own thoughts and look at yourself in the mirror and say man I ******** up. ******** that, ******** those fake a** friends. That was so elementary and I don't got time for fake and weak individuals, I already got my hands full and I got a ******** life to live. If push comes to shove, hell I can transfer to Canada I got that right but that is my absolute last option. I want to make my life work in the states, I want to make something of myself and be content with a quiet life. Unlike the fake asses that are surrounding me I can stand my own thoughts I can look at myself in the mirror beat myself up till I'm black and blue but I can get up again forgive myself and live with the silence. Because with silence there's comfort, with silence comes reflecting, thinking, creating and less stress. with sound there comes hateful words, back stabbing, enemies and self destruction.
having no one around me at all is ideal and is a better choice then surrounding myself with plastics who hate you for who you are.
anyways getting off topic what started this rant was the fact I heard Dy's dad ******** comment and once again I feel like I'm backed into a rock and a hard place so I'm typing this all down so I can think rationally before making a life altering decision starting with this...
Current Job vs Potential future Job
Current
Pros:Current job gives me benefits, security, weekly pay checks, semi understanding coworkers, bonus checks
Cons:poisoned environment, lack of motivation, long hours, Pressure from upper management to be the image of "perfect" without the pay to be perfect. Not enough time in the day to take care of personal duties,errands and home life.
Potential future Job
Pros:New experience, Builds your skills, could build your self esteem, possibly pay more, possibly have benefits, possibly have better hours and give you time to go back to school.
Cons: Is it stable or is it temporary, Will your coworkers be better, is the profession organized, is there Chaos in the company, will you be better or worse off then you were before? there's a lot of what ifs so I guess the cons is the fear of the unknown.
Current living status Vs Apartment Vs Buying a home
Current living status:
Pros: No rent no utility bills (for me anyway), Everything is accessible, backyard, quiet, with people that kind of care? The doggy terror is Tolerated and if he gets into s**t there's no dire repercussion. If I lose my job I get a grace period where I can find an other one.
Cons: Paying for Dy because Dy pays for bills, Berated by an a*****e father in law, dealing with Dy's family members and his Dads sluts, not wanting to be home because there's constant drama, dealing with a Dieing dog and one that howls when its left alone and cannot correct his behavior because father in law is a d**k and starts throwing a ******** tantrum because the dog is being loud and spoiled and wants him to shut up as soon as possible instead of teaching him correctly that howling is bad by not paying attention at all and ignoring it until he shuts up. If I lose my job I get a grace period but not without the cost of mental anguish and a constant reminder that I'm s**t without one. no going out without a price...
Apartment:
Pros:ON MY OWN! sometimes utilities is paid with rent, don't have to worry about repairing s**t yourself the landlord does it.
Cons: most apartments are no dog no cats no ferrets no lizards, your throwing money away on leasing, we would be kicked out by toby howls, toby will destroy the walls or chew on something if left alone to his devices and we will probably never see our deposits again. nosy neighbors and no privacy strange smells and hallways, the constant chance of leaving your apartment and theft happens (untrustworthy landlords)
Buying a Home
Pros:your not paying a lease your paying towards owning your home, ITS YOUR HOME! You can paint, have a back yard, have an orchard, do anything and everything on your property! Party, Stay up late Be as loud as you want to (within county limits) and just exist content in what you have to show from your hard work and dedication.dog cat ferret lizard friendly.
Cons:LOANS HASSLES OF FINDING A HOME PUTTING IN AN OFFER AND ALL THAT ******** LEGAL PAPERWORK! HIDDEN FEES! MORTGAGE-PROPERTY TAX-UTILITIES-and sometimes GAS! these are the heavy hitters that can make and break your comfortable life style and flip your life on its head from lack of funds. (you have to be smart when you take this route) only the beginning is bad but once your house is established its steady from there just pay it off as soon as possible. (ramen diet of home vegetables for three years) no going out cause you cant afford it but i'm already doing that anyway!
to be honest I don't know which is worse this house seems like the lesser of evils but thats probably because I've only had one other experience at renting which made it a living nightmare... so I don't know... I guess I'll continue to live this ******** hell over and over again till I have the courage to step forward and either fall valiantly and die in a ditch or succeed and be the richest of the rich.
the reason I'm so money driven is because I never want to work ever again, I want to be an artist draw all day animate and have fun travel the world and still have a home to come back to and warm meal on the table. If I work hard and have $$$$ left over for years to come I can retire early and enjoy life the way it was meant to be savored instead of reaching for the unattainable and failing because of a fickle wallet.
I don't want to be poor again and I never want to be on the streets, that fear is fire enough to push me till I break. I'm cracking up right now from my daily stresses but I'll keep on going until I break down completely and lose what sanity I have left. I rather be put in a psych ward and be rich, because to be in poverty, to see others do things you cant because of money... and to sleep in public with no where to go...nothing to eat... is close enough to being dead. I rather put a noose around my neck and jump off a cliff before experiencing such a fate to be at the bottom of the financial pyramid without an escape. I will die before I sell myself for money, sell my soul for drugs, or have what great things in my life stripped from me.
so...off topic again...having this thing to rant my thoughts to gives me the thread and outlet I was hoping for. maybe I can keep my mind intact for a bit longer before falling off the deep end and possibly losing my mind or having a heart attack. I am unbalanced right now but that's due to the pills that this doctor proscribed me to get my hormones and testosterone in check so my body doesn't take the damage. nothing I can do about it but keep taking them... even if I'm going bat s**t crazy and feel like I'm on steroids cause I'm constantly pissed off. This life style doesn't help me either though. I really hope that somebody can help me in the future... I need someone to be there for me right now cause I feel really pathetic.
 XxYoung DemonxX · Mon Jun 23, 2014 @ 02:50am · 0 Comments |
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