Yesterday I moved into the apartment I bought with my brother. Legally, I'm not allowed to live here, but instead of doing things technically, I'm just going to live here on the down-low until I'm of age to live on my own. Then, I'm gonna be added to the lease. But, I paid for my half of this place, I have my own room, I buy my own food... I guess I'm just my own person now. I left my father, who isn't a very good person, and now I'm on my own. I'm unsure about a lot of things, but I'm also excited. Of course, there are a few things I'm uncomfortable about.
I'm still in that stage of apathy, uninspired silence, without the motivation to do anything. Even in this new environment, where I am free to move about as I please, and flow in any way I want, I find myself sitting in my new, empty-ish room, on my bed, binge watching The Office on Netflix. I have been writing. I've even had these sparks of inspiration inside, after introducing my newest character. I love my story, and it's going great. But, nothing particularly juicy. I haven't really been doing much of anything lately, except watching TV. I'm not necessarily depressed all the time, but I am definitely apathetic, and silent... and bored.
I left home, and I'm living in an apartment. I don't make much money. I have a part time job that pays enough for me to live here, and feed myself. That's about it. I'm unsure about a few things, uncomfortable about a couple, and admittedly, excited about... maybe one thing. And in all honesty, I'm not quite sure what it is. I don't feel like "Oh, wow. I need to get out of this", and that's what proof I have that I'm not 100% miserable about moving. And, as a matter of fact, I needed to move. I hated living with my father, and he was never thrilled about my being there. I needed to leave, but now that I have, I am just as unexcited about life as always. And, as a matter of fact, now I'm nervous. I've put myself into this place... into this apartment, where I have my own room that I pay for, in this apartment that I own, as an equal, with my brother. In this place... I can completely submerge myself into the silent, depressive inertia... and I feel like I might. I wish I could find out what it is that I want to do, because I feel like if I knew, I might try. But, I never want to do anything. All I want is to watch TV. Write, when I can. Sleep. These days that pass... I won't remember anything about them. And, it's starting to feel much less like a phase than it did... maybe, a month ago. Two months.
I left "home". And, with the "home" that I left, I also left... the beach. In a way, I guess it could be perfect. All this stuff, it's just so perfect, the way it all went down. The big "end of an era", and now, this new start... I always get so hung up on how perfect moments and life itself should be. But, this new era is making me nervous. And, it's burning by pointlessly. What's more, if the rest of my life will burn into an unfulfilling dead-end... then, this is where it will start. I don't see any way out of it, but life is like that, I guess. Maybe something good will happen, something abnormal. Something I never thought could happen to someone like me.
Goodbye, "home". Goodbye long walks in the quiet, looking up at the starlit sky. Goodbye old me, whoever you were. Goodbye, beach... goodbye, so many things. I hope more than anything that we can meet again, in this new place I've put myself in. I hope more than anything that good things can exist here.
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