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Journal of me life.
Beware, this is where I turn off my filter, so you MAY OR MAY NOT be offended to what I write in here. I just let out all my feelings in this journal. So don't read if you're really sensitive.
I have a bad feeling..
Well, if you read my status tonight, then that is basically the abridged version of what this journal entry will be about.

Lately I haven't been in contact with Dana, and I think it's been making me feel depressed. I'm worried about her, because it's not at all like her to just disappear like that without warning. I remember the last time she kinda stopped coming online, and it was just for the weekend (Lul xD), but she actually told me beforehand that she was going camping. I just forgot that she told me, so when she didn't come online for a while, I got worried and didn't know what happened. smilies/icon_razz.gif

But this time is different. She didn't actually say anything was going on, at least not that I recall. I really do love her...... But I'm also afraid of being in love with someone that's just going to disappear again, like Hime and like Saara... I think what's been making me depressed really is a combination of me being worried about something bad happeninig to Dana, and me waiting for the next chance to talk to her, but never seeing it happen... This depression has been increasingly more difficult to avoid and distract myself from, which is peculiar because usually I can handle it very well.. Talking to Tetris still works to an extent. Even my other hobbies still sort of work, like playing guitar and reading up on technology. Though even when I'm doing stuff like listening to The Beatles, I'll put on something melancholy like "Let It Be", and "Yesterday". I dunno... It makes it feel like the band is talking to me through those songs, and they understand how I feel. xD

The thing I'm mainly worried about is getting to the point I was 3 years ago... I *really* don't want that to happen again, and I honestly don't think it CAN happen again... but who knows? smilies/icon_razz.gif I do know that lately I've been eating less, I've been less active... I've been feeling like just staying in bed and sleeping. Haven't felt any numbness in my arms yet though, which I'm glad to say.

I'll never forget how that felt though when I would just get numb all over... Basically any emotion inside me was gone instantly, and I'd be like in a zombie state almost. Then I'd take like my keys or something and just start scratching at my arm until it bled. Then I'd look at the bleeding and just be like, ".... Huh.... *shrugs*..." This went on for some time really. I believe it was around the time I found out Saara was a complete hoax. I remember when I was working at Stop and Shop, I'd go in the bottle room I'd go in the back area where the barrels of broken glass were, and I'd slice my arm with the glass. I knew they wouldn't see me because that area didn't have any security cameras or anything back there. Though one day I think Jay asked me what happened to my arm, and I was like "Huh..... weird..... o.o" (but I knew exactly what it was smilies/icon_razz.gif)

I'd love it if that didn't happen anymore. I may have trained my emotions to block negative things, but I'm still pretty fragile inside..... I just...... want something to happen to me really..... I want something or someone so good that it's life-changing and could make me feel happy forever. Otherwise, I'd rather be dead, because my life goal has always been to get rid of this feeling of being alone and socially inept.

So there you have it.





 
 
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