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Random thoughts

Am i a tool?
idk. i feel like it.
like...im only wanted around when im needed.
only when they want me.
like im a rebound guy.
or a second option.
...
shouldn't suprise me though.
im set up for this kind of hurt.
my body is set up for this kind of hurt.
cause when someone makes fun of you
for some people its hard to brush off,
and for me, ive gotten a bit over that.
a bit.
but when it comes down to...the opposite gender making fun of you.
your self esteem goes down with your confidence.
you make a general statement then.
you think, "this is probably what all girls think of me" or vice versa.
well, at least that's what happens with me.

it's weird though.
at one point, you're into this girl, and somehow you convince yourself she might be into you too.
but then like...one little thing, and everything changes.
an assumption even.
its her, talking with a friend, looking at you, whispering and lauhing,
and when you turn to look at them, they turn away quickly, giggling.
and the friend looking at her in disbelief and saying out loud and obvious, "inappropriate!" followed by more laughter.

you pop back to reality.
lol.
what the hell were you thinking.
look at yourself.
thats what they were laughing at, and you know it.
you walk away, laughing silently to yourself, saying there was no way she wouldve liked you, and no way it wouldve happened.

dying silently to yourself.

this is my job area anyway. im supposed to be working, not having crushes

not having crushes.

not being crushed.

just be like elsa, and let it go.
you play that song as loud as you can through your earbuds.
so loud others can hear it.
you play it when you go by her and her friend as you go to clock out.
maybe it'll catch their attention, and maybe you can still have friends while you work here.
lol.
how stupid are you.

stupid.

desperate.

what you do in situations define who you are.
and how others see you.
so i guess that makes me pathetic.
pititful.
invisible.
i don't want to be invisble.
i don't want to be known in ugly infamy either.
you swear you'll work to be better.
look better.
have you.
when.
no time.
too busy.

school.
homework.
studying.
sports.
your job.
instrument practice.

how can you improve if you dont even have time for yourself.

you're stressed.
depressed.
wheres the other half of my drink.
the glass is half empty.
******** your optimism bullshit.
why am i not succeeding.
why am i not liked.
why this.
why that.
complain complain complain.

i dont do drugs.
dont smoke.
dont drink.
sexually clean.
a goody-goody.

is it because i dont fit in with the rest of the world?
why am i here?
the world does not want me,
but i want the world.
and i see no negotiation or middle ground.

cool.
cool cool.
cool cool cool.

like that ice box.
or refrigerator.

at the end of the day, thats probably where i will end up.
and when the night falls, those girls will find my corpse stuffed inside.
and they'll say:

"at least he's pretty cool now."





 
 
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