Penny Lennon
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On Loneliness
Loneliness is a plague that gets right down into your soul, and carves out a hollow space where once there were warm fuzzies from cuddling with the person you love. Where once there was a soft glow of love, no there is an aching of desire just to see you again.
I thought the first night was the hardest. I've realized that every night I'm alone will be the hardest, until somehow, I forget that warm feeling of being with you, and somehow, I manage to forget that there was ever anything there, where this void used to be.
I'm not made for being alone. I've never liked the time I've only had to spend with myself. I'm not so interesting as you, nor so willing to to get out there and see the world. You bring me up a lot higher, and when you're not here, I have to imagine you telling me that I should get up, go out, see the world, visit someone, talk to someone. I imagine all the things you would say to me if you were here. I imagine how I would hold you and try never to let you go again.
But the loneliness cuts all the deeper because I don't know if I will ever hold you like that again. What comes with distance but detachment? What will I forget about you? Will I forget the way you smile that makes me smile back? Will I forget the way your hair sticks up in the back, no matter how much you try to make it lie flat? Will I forget the way you pout your lips when you're concentrating hard?
Will I forget how to love you?