Who knew I would come back to Gaia after six years of inactivity? I had all but forgotten this world and its memories. But for some reason, I started randomly getting emails from Gaia, so I requested to have my accounts re-opened as they had been banned for inactivity. So much has happened, so much has changed. There are things in my past I still can't let go, maybe I never will, but I don't believe that. I've held grudges for a long time, but I've let them go. It just takes time for me.
Trying to look back at my life six years ago is like trying to remember a long number sequence after just a glance. Bits and pieces stick with you, but the majority is hazy and you get a lot of things wrong when you recount the memories to yourself. I was a monster. An emotionally damaging, resentful, smart monster. And I used that to manipulate people so that I could feel better when I felt my life wasn't all that bright. I may hate what I've done, but I can't say I'd change any of it. I am who I am, and I wouldn't be me without those past experiences.
I've noticed something, though. Now that my life seems bright and in my control, I'm not the same person from before. I don't do things the same way or even do the same things. Something I'll always miss though? My artwork.
Since leaving behind my childhood I've lost all inspiration for my art. Roleplaying, novel writing, drawing, singing, composing... those things all feel lost to me, it's been so long since I've done any of them. I wonder sometimes if the pain from my past is what drove everything I loved about myself... my art. I may have hated everything else that made me who I was, but I loved my art. Flawed as it was, it made life worth living. What is life if not the result of your inspiration?
Looking at it that way, there may be hope yet.
Elven Princess Ani
· Sat May 10, 2014 @ 04:19am · 0 Comments