I can see just enough. It's definitely night. The city is silent... we walked these streets together. You're still alive. I know where to find you. We talk every now and then, but it just isn't the same. The rain falls like an omen. It falls somberly. It strikes the glass that covers my eyes, and drips down my face... it doesn't fall hard. It doesn't fall in large quantities. It doesn't roar, flooding the streets... it just falls. Quietly.
All that time. I spent it being lost and frightened. I spend it searching for something, like what I was searching for would decide the rest of my life. Finally I found it again, and I'm still every bit as lost as I've ever been. What I was searching for was you. I guess you were an excuse... I guess all that time ago, I just pretended that you had some sort of great significance to me. At least I had something to look for. Now I'm completely lost.
I look at the sights before me. The sky overhead is crestfallen. The concept of melancholy, in the form of something that can be seen, rather than just pondered. Even though there is a sky above me, I can't shake the feeling that this city is a cage. The only living being in this place is myself.
I swore I'd be okay. Then I swore I'd make it alright again. I'd do what I needed to do. Then I gave up, and I crawled. And I cried for help. Then I stood up. Then, I decided that I would wander lifelessly, until death came for me. Then, I decided that I'd be alright again. The years went by, and the cycled repeated itself until it made me sick just to think about it. But I'm not promising myself anything anymore. I'm not crying. I'm not crawling. I'm still wandering, lost in the fog of apathy, but I'm not really doing anything in particular. This, because I have come to a realization. I'm not blindly thinking of what might be anymore. I've opened my eyes, and I won't ever close them again, leaving myself in the hands of anyone but myself. I have realized it now. You can't save me. You didn't. This world won't save me. No one out there is coming to me, to help me to my feet. And so, I have broken away from everyone and everything, where I will stand on my own feet, and I won't count on you, or anyone else, ever again. I told myself "It has nothing to do with going back to my old ways. It has nothing to do with being a loner." But what I didn't realize is that I wasn't speaking facts, that I had thought about. I was hoping. I was being faithful... that was my mistake. It won't ever happen again. My own naivety makes me ashamed of myself, even if I have grown since then. And so, I swear, by my own life... I will never hope again. I will never have faith again. I will stare all of my cold truths in the face, and they will undoubtedly eat me alive. It's better than walking blindly into the nothing, and being destroyed all the same.
I stand alone. In retrospect, I always have. I live my life alone. There was a time when I was surrounded by my people, in a place I was more than happy to call home. But, as surely as I stand here today, I had to watch, unblinking, as that place burned into the ground. I had to watch as all those people left in different directions, and their true names were never really known to me. Therefor, I will never find them again. I will never be in that place again. After these years, after I lived a new life which was also taken away, I found you again. And even now, when I can find you at any given moment... I am just as empty as I have ever been.
The rain falls. The silence, and what I see... it makes me feel like collapsing. The city is so silent. The city is long since abandoned. When I disappear, I will leave nothing behind. Everything I've ever known will disappear into the unspeakably huge flow of time, and then what difference will any of it have made, to myself? When I die, I will fade into nihility, and not even a mote of my existence will be left behind. That is my fate.
As I walk, my eyes still seeing, my mind still thinking, I walk completely alone. I have long since walked my way through the crowds, and this is where I ended up. As I walked by, no one even glanced at me. No one turned their head. No one even saw my back, as I disappeared from the crowd. And this is where I ended up.
It might be bad luck. It might be my own fault. But, I am a loner. In the blink of an eye, I'll be gone... and it'll be like I was never here to begin with.
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