moro mou
Community Member
Embarrassment to the Medium:"X-Blades"。
Guten abend. I'm at an unfathomable level of boredom so I'll write about a really shitty game I played a long time ago.
One's assumptions of a video game can be easily altered with a naked chick on the cover. That's what we've got, today (or back in '07).
This game's called "X-Blades" or originally called "Oniblade", a (to my surprise) Russian game for the PS3, PC, and Xbox 360.

Honestly in the end, this is a game that will end up being entertaining depending on your mood. Overall it's pretty much trash, and I'll tell you why.

The story revolves around a young treasure hunter named Ayumi, who wields gunblades (blades that are capable of taking the role of pistols as well) and whose armor sits at a scantily clad level. There ain't much to her outfit but the infamous g-string and a bandeau that looks painted on with some thigh armor and chunky red boots. Anywho, after she stumbles upon some map that guides one through a set of ancient ruins, she decides to follow it in hopes of obtaining some "light" artifact (you're gonna hear the word "artifact" many, MANY times) of power.
As soon as she finds it, some huge a** angry lion/furry man appears and warns her that its power is fatal -- but Ayumi being the idiot blonde she's portrayed to be, she touches it anyways. "Yahh liek im gonna listen to some, tiger-lookin' thang!" She's then cursed and has to find some other ******** artifact to lift it.
You can prolly guess how this game ends 'cuz it's beyond the levels of cliché.

Ayumi, with her big booty (cue Eminem's "a** Like That") and lack of clothing, coulda' had a spot in some of the "hottest video game characters" if she wasn't given such terrible voice acting and a bitchy personality. All of the damn dialogue and voice acting's bad. Some Jay dude pops up later and sweet merciful Crowley he sounds silly.

The combat system is honestly pretty small to me. You won't find ultra combos however, new moves are added onto Ayumi's normal attack, which won't serve much purpose because they're ******** impossible to perform, and there's a low chance you'll ever be able to execute them properly...thus, they had tried to make up for that with a larger magic system available. You'll have elements ranging from fire to dark power, to what's basically holy light power. These are all put in a certain chain from where you start with just, per say, a fireball. After that you have the opportunity of igniting fire onto your blades "fire blades", then a nice AOE attack is available relative to the element.
You must've noticed these don't have the fanciest names ever.
However, the game is affected by which elements you choose. Betcha' thought you'd be unique by doing that, huh Gaijin? Well it didn't make up for much.

The voice acting and dialogue? It's all broad and overdone, and the voice acting sounds as if this had been their first time voice acting. Don't doubt me on this.

The graphics on the other hand weren't too bad in terms of anime and cell-shading. Not as fancy as the newest Naruto s**t but if you're into anime stuff I suppose this would earn a pretty decent score. In-game graphics on the contrary provide a softer, much much shinier detail to it rather than the cutscenes, and stages are designed pretty well to fit the style of ruins. Not too sure though, I had to look away from the screen a few times 'cuz of how red and bright things are usually. Did I mention sometimes it makes Ayumi look as if she has some intense sunburn all over her body? I'mean c'mon, she's light-skinned in the artwork but ******** devil red in this LOL.
Camera control is slow and blurs often when you take a quick turn off to some other direction, and locking onto targets has never been worse, but really all we see is big naked a**. I didn't mind it too much though, a** is sometimes nice to see.
Hey hey almost done, I have to mention the music. The music's...actually pretty good. Good boppin' beat (yes I said that) most of the time, nothing really unique or new, but a good enough set of tracks to at least TRY to give the gameplay potential enjoyment.

Well, there you have it. Don't be surprised at the fact that this piece of crap won the Golden Mullet award for worst game of the year. Many have taken it to be a poor spin off of Devil May Cry, or maybe Extreme Barbie. Best I've heard was Paris Hilton: Treasure Hunter.
It would have been the smartest to wait for this baby to hit the bargain bins. My condolences have been sent to those who bought it on its release date for iunno, shamefully $60? Rent the lil' s**t or buy it if you want, for booty or for gameplay.

Again this will end up being entertaining relying on your mood at the moment. Sounds fine to play if you came home from a long day at work -- chop up some monsters while staring at a bare round a** with a g-string flossing its crack. smilies/icon_redface.gif