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KPOP HOE YOU FOOL XP
Suicidal turning Homicidal
So my appointment isn't until the end of May but I've been dealing with this since October... untreated. Basically... I am highly suicidal... I want no longer to be here and struggle. Yes I know everyone does so don't give me that bullshit. I don't need to hear everyone struggles... I KNOW this. Anyways... my mom is constantly bullying me,... verbally, physically and DEFINITELY emotionally. I am emotionally unstable.... it's affecting everything... and as each day passes the more I cry and the more stressed I am. It's gotten so bad that I am cursing God now and starting to hate him for even creating me... if I am already doing that then I minus well just kill myself anyways since I am going to hell for cursing him and hating him. All I really want is to just die and be in peace... that is it. Couple months ago my mom went with me to the psych and she found out how I knew how I was going to do it. I have my plan of suicide planned out since I was 13 years old. She laughed.... and made fun of me about breaking the tree and what not... she just really is cruel. Well... now I am planning on buying like five bags of apple just to boil the seeds to make arsenic. Mostly for me to drink but then I thought..... it would be lovely to make her dinner and put it in her dinner then kill myself. I would die immediately from hanging myself while she suffers for a month on arsenic. My mind is horrible I know.... but since October my depression has been untreated. In Dec I went into a mental hospital and I LOVED it there. The only think I did miss was my music that was it. I HATED being home and I didn't want to go back. Over a month ago I moved from Louisiana to Columbia Missouri to get away from her, yes I was homeless but I still had a job so I thought I would be able to save for a month and get my own place... holy ******** was I wrong.

The job wanted to only give me 10 hours a week.... so before I got stranded I paid for my own dayum tickets to get back home so I wouldn't be stranded. I am smart and know how to take care of myself but the problem is I would get my own place if I could afford it. I only make 350 a paycheck every two weeks and s**t out here is like 800$ rent.... I had moved to Columbia cause of $500 rent but I had to come back due to the ******** job situation. Personally I am DONE ******** struggling with working for nothing, living in a shitty home with a shitty a** parent, and just sick of living. I can't even handle assholes at work. It's getting harder everyday. This whole time when I was seeing a psych they put me on meds but it was worsening and I was telling them that but they wouldn't listen. I had a nurse, a doctor, and a psych. The psych was living in some type of dream world where she wanted me to make amends with my mom NO ******** THAT BEEN THERE TRIED THAT KTHX theres no point. Point blank I need to get away from her and if I don't... I will either hurt myself or her. I've been with this for 25 years it's time for me to get away from her. I've tried college, working... even financial help... NOTHING.... is working. With college I end up having to pay tuition... after I pay rent, phone, and gas, I have nothing left how the ******** can I afford $200 a month for a ******** education..... I am so tired and exhausted..... and I wish I would stop crying, and having these severe migraines... personally I wish I just wouldn't wake up... the more we fight... the more we curse each otehr,.... the more we get psychical.... I am loosing my mind more and more... I already feel insane... it's horrible.

The only personal that listened to me was the nurse... so technically... I wasn't getting any help from the psych and I can't afford one where I live which is why I was going to one for free cause lack of funds. It's just a never ending wheel. I've tried... I really did. I tried medicine... I've tried getting more hours, I've tried college, I've tried getting help ebt snap food stamps and housing and other s**t... NOTHING works out. I even went so far to being ******** homeless to get away from her.... and no ones hiring.... I just feel like this is my end. Do I want it to be no... i want to live... I want to go enjoy life... but for now I am not. So now I went from... suicidal to only harming myself to now wanting to kill my mom. As I walked into the kitchen to eat she told me to get the ******** out... and I said ******** you.. I am ready to grab that skillet and slap you beside the ******** head. I was dead serious... I am ready to take a knife to that b***h. I can't ******** do it anymore. I don't even think I can hang on for May.

I miss my grandmother... she was technically my mom... this b***h here... is just a ******** demon. I don't even know if I am going to make it to my birthday... I can't take this anymore... constantly tired... never laugh.... I'm starting to hate ppl. The good thing is I don't want to harm anyone in the house... JUST my mom and myself. I really hate her so much. Being emotionally and mentally unstable sucks... it's ******** hard..... I am sick of the constant headaches. I was going to post this in Life Issues but it seems more like a rant than asking for help. i don't see how anyone can help.... meds dont work... trying college.. didnt ******** work... leaving didnt work... ******** my life.... idc anymore... Ia m ready to throw the towel in. Everything I love just isnt motivation anymore. I am tired of fighting to be happy.





 
 
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