You Did That On Porpoise
"Bottle of...wine, fruit of the vine--", sings a young, tall woman, atonally, walking on the beach.
"What? What? Oh, yeah...when you gonna let me get sober. Leave, leave me alone, let me go home, let me go home and start over.."
She starts stumbling toward the ocean just as a wave crashes down and it pushes her down to the sand. After a moment she looks around lazily, wondering what happened. Off in the not-so-very-distant distance she sees something. She squints, trying to focus on whatever it is through the darkness of the night. All of a sudden she stands up and shouts nonsensically.
"Hey! Hey, hey! Are you okay, man? Did you get bit by Jaws," the woman yells, slurring her words and making her way toward the thing in the dark.
She reaches her target and plops down next to it. She tilts her head to the left and looks at it and then tilts her head to the right. After a moment, she shouts in frustrations and lies down in the sand.
"You stupid Porpoise! You made me think you were a person or a hot guy or sometthing! You did that on porpoise! Ha, ha...get it?"
She makes her way over to the animal, laughing at her own joke before whining dramatically. She looks into its face and starts cooing softly at it like a pigeon. After a moment she sighs and looks deeply into the porpoise's eyes. The animal just flops to the side and groans. She starts tp cry softly and picks up the porpoise's head.
"I'm sorry, my love. I didn't mean to call you stupid. Do you forgive me? Hmm?"
She leans in and smiles at the animal. Then she leans in and kisses the porpoise directly on the mouth. After a moment it seems her sense return to her and the woman gets a disgusted look on her face and pulls away. She clumsily wipes her mouth and then spits onto the sand.
"Oh, gross! Why did I just kiss a fish?! I know I'm hammered but still... Blech...I am never going to get this taste of of my mouth. I think I'm gonna hurl," says the woman, wiping her tongue on her shirt and retching.
Suddenly, there's a huge flash of light and the woman turns to look. The animal appears to be gone and there's a huge flash of light in its place. She just sits and watches the light as though she's watching TV. After a few seconds the light fades and a tall figure stands in the middle of where the light had shone so brightly.
"Hey, dude," the woman yells, "Was that a firework? What're trying to do, blind me?!"
The light completely fades and a tall, naked man is revealed. He just looks at the woman and blinks. She just looks at him the same way she looked at the light, like she's watching TV. After a minute she starts to laugh hysterically and stands up.
"Hey, man! Put on some clothes! Are you drunk?! 'Cause I am..."
She runs up to him and waves. He just looks at her, very confused. She looks back at him and then waves a hand in front of his face to see if he's paying attention. After a moment of silence she turns around and walks away. He starts to follow directly behind her.
"Are you following me? You are so totally smashed. I'm gonna go get you some coffee," she says, waving at him and walking quickly away.
Of course he follows her. It takes her a few seconds to notice. When she does she turns around and gesture for him to stay with her hands. He just looks at her, still looking confused. She sighs and then turns around.
"Look, you need to stay here. If you walk into town naked you'll get arrested and you're too drunk to even know your own name. Stay here, I'll bring you some coffee."
She looks closely at him as she says this, trying to see whether he understands or not. Much to her chagrin, the look on his face is as confused as it was before. She puts her hand to her sinuses and rubs gently, trying to clear her head. After a moment she looks him in the eye and nods before speaking.
"Permanecer aqui," she says, looking at his face only to see the same confused expression on it.
"Rester ici," she says, sighing at the confused expression still on his face.
She sighs again, feeling defeated after only a few tries. The man just stands and looks at her like she's crazy. After another moment of awkward silence the woman clears her throat and looks at him again.
After a moment she just sat down and whined. To her surprise, he sat down next to her and looked her in the eye. She just looked hazily back at him, still not entirely sober. All of a sudden he starts to laugh.
"Ja, ich werde hier bleiben. Wohin gehst du," he says, tilting his head.
The woman just looks at him and starts to laugh. She then stands up like she's going to go somewhere but then leanes over. She groans loudly and the man rushes toward her. Just then, with his head below hers as she's doubled over, she vomits. A moment passes and she falls back to sitting down, wiping her mouth with a dizzy expression on her face. He looks horrified as he tried to wipe the vomit off his face with his bare hands.
"See, I told you I was going to hurl, you stupid porpoise."