My big confession.
I've quit everything that ever made me happy. That's why I've had year and multiyear long absences from Gaia. I even tried to leave my beloved man at one point because I didn't think I was good enough for him. Sometimes it feels like nothing ever goes right, no matter what I do. And even though logically it doesn't make sense, it feels better to do nothing and be apart from everything, then to try and fail.
Things seem so hopeless sometimes. Like I can't be happy because I don't deserve to be. It makes keeping friends awkward. How do you say hello after not being around a few years? I have a few online friends here on Gaia I'm not sure how to say hello too. I have irl friends whom I don't see often, but usually keep in touch with on Facebook. The ones who stay my friends are very patient loving people, to put up with me.
Commitment to anyone scares me. I'm not sure if part of me does want to be alone or if I jut got used to it. I didn't start making any friends until I was 12/13 in Junior High School. It is still weird that people ending up wanting to be my friend. I'm pathetic. Having friends is too much pressure? But I want friends? But I don't? I don't know...
It seems like I'm broken and cannot be fixed. I just have to live life broken, figuring out how I can get around.
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Dorg Endo's Gaia Journal
I don't know.
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