Ok, this is my first entry and actually the motivation behind doing this. I feel betrayed by people I call friends and need to let it out. Even if no one reads this, I at least have somewhere to get these emotions out.
So last night I was planning on taking the bus home with someone I go to school with. Our friends show up in a car and ask where we are going, we both say home and then they offer a ride. Suddenly I'm at their house wondering why they didn't bring me to my house. I mean, I said I was going home and they still offered to take me there. But no, apparently not. They wanted me to hang out with them even though I had already said no. I began walking home. Now it's not a long walk, maybe 30 minutes but I hadn't slept in 2 days and it was super gross outside.
Oh well, I really want my house and head out. Now here is the bad part, on the way a car came driving straight at me. Like I was on the shoulder of the road and it turned towards me without really slowing down. I DIDN'T MOVE! I stood in the way, kind of hoping it would hit me. I stood there and let it try. I figured what was the point, it's not like my friends respect me or anything. All night I have been debating telling this to someone and I finally did today, about 20 hours after it happened. Their response was "Uh, trying not to be insensitive but have you called the landlord?".... Thanks friend. I'm glad I tried to open to you about this. I mean, I don't need to talk about how I didn't care if I died or got severely injured last night. It's cool, really it is.
Now, I know she is going through her own stuff but I have been there for her through it. I have stood by her, held her as she cried, stopped her from self-harm and even tried to make things easier by offering her a place to live for now. And this is the second time it has happened to me. Several years ago I was in crisis intervention when a different friend went through a bad break up (I will be posting that story eventually). I tried to be there for her but obviously I had my own stuff to deal with and couldn't be as strong of a support that I usually am. Her reaction was to tell people that I wasn't a good friend because I wasn't there for her. I'm just sick of this. I really am. People tell me to open up but how can I when every time I do I get pushed aside. I feel worthless. I feel sad and I don't want to do it anymore.
I realize that this may sound very close to a suicide note but I am not there yet. I know when I get that bad, I've been there before. This is a rant. Nothing more. I am sick of my friends, I am sick of being the one who always has to be strong, and I need somewhere to let it out.