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A New Feeling Of Intimidation
Well since things actually do seem to be happening now. For the past couple weeks or so I've been getting worse with my night terrors, freak outs, and other paranoid bits. I've been feeling that 'once people from other worlds make them self known to this world' I will be harshly judged. For one, I have severe mental trauma so I at times can just act rather nuts, I also have some particular fancies that I feel wont be looked to fondly at because I feel who ever the ******** might see it as 'inferior' or maybe even destructive. Pah ******** that.

I've told Heirrurum that when I awaken, I want to make up for lost times. All the times we could have been together, drinking, Korontchdubuching it, being crazy dong whatever the hell, and just being together. There's also so many other things I want to do and one thing I will have to do once I awaken. I don't know how I will even have time for it all. Well yeah, since I like to party, drink, and go crazy, I feel like some a** will be like 'no no noo, you can't do that... heeey, don't do that.' Not to mention that I like to physically fight Heirrurum and others. Bah if there was like absolutely no violence, then s**t would be lame.

I mean, it's not like I want to hurt innocent people, just play with Heir in our way and then there is places where you can go to actually fight and test your skills, but those places never get out of control and there is always limits. Well I hope no douche bags will try and take over the universe and make things all ******** boring like that. Bah I know the most important thing to me is just to be with Heir and other things but, it's what we are and how we've always been. I don't want to have to 'change' for whatever ******** reason.

I feel I should say, for anyone that doesn't like how I am and such. Eat it the ******** off me then. I don't care for the opinions of others. I am who I am and it's all I will ever be. ******** the lot of yas if you judge others for being different then you in whatever ways.

I'm told by Heir and my mother that it wont be like that and I will get to do whatever I want. I really hope so because controlling people and telling people what they can and can't do sounds like how the universe already is.

Another thing I'm worried about, well I read a bit of a certain someone's delightful jibber. Haha and that pretty mouth says that before all them ******** from other worlds actually show up, a bit of reality will be spewed through mainstream media first. In short, it's said that a particular thing will be mentioned and that thing involves me and a few people I've come to fancy over the years. I'm worried that I wont be acknowledged. If I am, it is very likely that the -something- redhead will be mentioned and that was me.

Thinking that I wont get acknowledged on that leads me to think that like what if old Saya never gets mentioned, what if I'm not even real? And all kindsa crazy insecure worries and s**t relating to me questioning my own sanity again. Come on, 'for ******** sake,' as Tom likes to say. Seriously though, that can't be damn true because of all the ******** proof I've had over pretty much all the 18 years I've been in this s**t life.

So those are my current worries or 'fears' if you will. I'm told by Heir and by my mother that these are normal stages I'm going through before I awaken. Not to mention the odd dream visions, memories, and false memories I've been seeing have been getting more frequent so that is another obvious sign that I will wake up soon enough at least. My stress has also been getting worse. I've been getting the problem with my blood again where it starts to crystallize but it is worse then it's been. Last night my arm started to crystallize, not just on the inside but on the outside too.

That was when I was freaking out to Heir like I've been. I've been freaking out with more, night terrors and such and I am frantic when try to talk to Heir and I will sometimes just say jibberish or something. I've recently gotten like that around my mother too. I think I went to see her late last night and talked to her about my concerns as well. Oh right, I remember, I felt my arm start to crystallize and yes, that s**t hurts, but it wasn't happening in my real body, it was happening to the body I'm in. I don't know if it actually had the appearance of crystallization, but I sure felt the pain from it. That's a good sign, it means this body will soon die. Woo freedom!

Alright well back to this other thing... if the -something- redhead gets mentioned, it will be a huge relief and acknowledgement to me. Bah I can't quite recall but I think Heir has told me that I will be acknowledged personally when the 'Event' starts to happen or soon enough right after. If that's right, then what was spewed by pretty mouth just yesterday, then it is likely the redhead will be mentioned because that is one of the earliest things that's happened regarding me in the past such and such years. Then there is also the time when I first came to Earth by my own will in my Anazon Elf form from Neri. That was like in the 1500's I think and was in Germany, so if that is brought up and everything doesn't go against me, Sairbailey Flifendel should be acknowledged or Neri, or something relating to me.

May sound a bit selfish I know, what 'me wanting to be acknowledged,' yes? Sounds rather self centered then? Nah you know what, I think not. I've been in this life for 18 ******** years and I've never been physically acknowledged by any means about who I truly am. Aside from friends acknowledging me after I've already told them who I am. Yes, I deserve to not have to question my own sanity. I think it's about time I and anyone else likes me gets the acknowledgement we so surely deserve. Just that little bit will pretty much help me so much and then I can wait more patiently for my own awakening and not be so panicky.

According to Heirrurum and my mother, it is what will happen so I must trust them. Still it is hard to get it to completely click in my head because there are those unfortunate times where I still do question my own sanity. It's not often, but it happens and it's just not ******** right I tells ya. No one should ever have to go through such things. Well, it looks like s**t will happen soon enough regardless of anything. We shall see I guess.

~Umpai mere sanna.

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