Really... like, YEARS since I've posted something in my journal which sort of makes this whole thing a little awkward but lately, I've been feeling like I really need to get some stuff off my chest and out into the open that I don't feel like burdening my friends with so...this is the next best thing, I suppose.
Long story short version...life has been life as of late. A lot of ups and downs, make ups and break ups and now I'm back home here in Arizona with dear old mom after a two year long stint back in LA where I fell in love and.....all that jazz...Yeah, I wont go into too much detail because anyone who knows me well enough to read this junk will know all about my little misadventure out into the world on my own but, ultimately, I'm just trying to start over and make things right again.
Things got kinda crazy back home in LA and by crazy I mean....bat sh*t insane. There was just too much drama for me to handle and, in the end, I just decided it would be best for me to get some distance and hope for the best. In the beginning it was all heartbreak. I knew that as soon as I left, that c*nt would try to take him away from me...Just like she did with my first... I've done my best to forgive and forget about it but it all just went to far. For the first two months or so, I begged and I pleaded for him to just stop doing things to hurt me. I understood his freedom was important to him and I wanted him to have that! I really did. I wanted him to be with people that he enjoyed being around and have fun too....but I also wanted to be able to trust him and I just felt I couldn't do that as long as she was sticking her nose in to a place where it didn't belong. Nothing good ever came of anything while she was around. She's had a way of digging her nasty little claws into places that have been sacred to me and tearing them apart and she hasn't stopped. I guess, in a way, I'm equally to blame. I should have just stayed away from "him". I should have just kept to myself and left them alone and everything would have been fine....but "he" was persistent and I was in need of a familiar face. I was stupid and I paid the price. It's a mistake I've been adamant not to make again, even going so far as of late to tell "him" that I don't want him around ever again. It's been hard to say that, of course..."He" was my first and he will always hold a special place in my heart but I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that....our time is done...it was done a long time ago and "he" had plenty of chances to fix it if "he" had wanted to but "he" didn't....I can't say I didn't try for "him" but that time is over now and I've made my decision...more over, "he" seems to have made "his" too and so I don't feel so bad about letting it go....letting it all go and trying to focus on the one that I truly want to be with now.
Honestly, I think it was meant to be this way....I don't know what happened but he's been kinder to me lately, especially after he supposedly stopped talking to her. He's been more considerate, calling me more, talking to me more. He's made more of an effort in these past few weeks than I have seen in the past several months and I can't describe how happy I am about that.....But I'm also scared. Scared that it won't last, scared that its just a matter of time before she tempts him with her incessant whining about why its so unfair that he left her and why she wants him back so much. I don't understand the stake she has in him....why she wants to act so heart broken that he wont speak to her anymore (or at least that's how it seems). She doesn't know him like I do. She could never know him like I do and yet she wants to act like SHE was the one meant to be with him all along? Its almost laughable.....not to mention how she wont stop insulting me almost everywhere I look. Here on gaia, on facebook, everywhere. She berates me with insults almost constantly, saying I'm stupid, ignorant, selfish, whatever........I don't think she understands at all. All I want is to be left in peace. I'm so done with her and her bullsh*t and everything else.....I just want to take my man...and go.... No more fighting, no more drama. That's it.
I guess its just a useless prayer however....she seems to have it out for me for good. Even though I moved away to escape all of the stress and the fear, she wont let it go. And as long as she haunts me...I don't think I can either. Its been made abundantly clear to me in the past three months since I moved away that "he" wants you back...desperately. "He's" tried everything I would imagine "him" trying to do it just to please you, even going so far as to cut off almost all of "his" wonderful hair just because you said you'd like it.........And I'm actually glad that you two seem to be getting along so well...I mean that. All I want to do now is just let sleeping dogs lie. Can't you understand that? Can't you respect that too, in a way? This isn't highschool anymore. We are grown *ss adults and I really do think its time we BOTH started acting like it. And I know that you're thinking "f*ck you, I've always been the mature one. You're just a selfish little b*tch" or whatever but....really?....doesn't that just kinda prove my point right there?
*sigh* The bottom line is....I'm tired....Aren't you? Tired of all the stress and the running and the worrying about whether or not you're good enough? I'm not saying "lets be friends and hold hands and skip off into the rainbow" because....lets be realistic. We're just not that sort of people....What I'm saying is, I'd like a truce... a truce and a promise to just back the f*ck off on BOTH sides....because, honestly, I think all this highschool drama "she stole mah man" bullsh*t is sooooooo very beneath us. I have faith that we can both be better people about this if we just put our mind to it....I guess only time will tell....
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